To Have You Back Again
by fuzzydream archive
Summary: He had been gone for ten months, but it felt like centuries ago. For now, the memories would have to do. Modern AU.
1. To Reach You

_A/N: Had this idea last week, while listening to "Here With Me" by The Killers. It was supposed to be a one shot. Then a 3 chapters story... Now we're settled on 5 chapters, for good. Hope everyone likes it! Remember: reviews make me happy and updates can come quicker! :) Thanks Terrie for editing!_

 _Disclaimer: I don't own Downton Abbey._

* * *

 _Chapter 1: To Reach You_

 _Present Day_

John listened, for the most part. It was better to listen, and it wasn't as if he had any news to share, not really. His friend Robert, on the other hand, was of course filled with news. His first grandchild had been born whilst John had been gone, a little girl, and he was ecstatic. John was happy for him, truly. He rather enjoyed hearing of the new discoveries of a child than talk about what really mattered, what he knew Robert wanted to know. Mary was getting married next year. Sybil and Tom had moved back to England permanently now. Edith had moved to London. Robert and Cora would be going to America for the New Year.

He didn't eat much. Not that the food wasn't good; with Cora visiting Edith in London, they had opted for pizza. It was just a simple catch up dinner. He had arrived back in England just a couple of weeks ago, and though he had managed not to run into many acquaintances, he couldn't run from his friends, few as they were. And at least they had managed to stay away from what was bothering him. But not for much longer.

Robert finished his beer quietly, and let out a sigh. John had declined the beer; he hadn't drank anything in a long time and he wouldn't start now. But he felt his friend's eyes on him, as the silence reigned for a brief period of time.

"Have you seen Anna?" his friend finally asked, and though it wasn't what John had expected, it was an equally frightening question.

John shook his head. "No. Not yet."

Robert seemed surprised at his reply. "But you _will_ see her."

It was more of a question than a statement. John didn't know the answer for that.

"Yes. Maybe. I don't know," he confessed, running a hand through his hair. "I'm not sure she wants to see me. And I don't want her to see me like this. I need to get my life together first."

Robert pursed his lips. John knew what he was thinking - that his life was with Anna. And he was probably right, only - he needed to take care of so many things first. He needed take care of his mental well being. He wanted to make sure she was fine, of course, but he had the feeling that she would always be better off without him anyway. Perhaps everything had conspired for what they had to end; the key to her happiness. He would never be happy without her, he knew, but he didn't want to bring her any more pain.

He just couldn't see what kind of happiness he could be able to give her. Especially now, after everything.

"How is she?" John asked, because he simply had to know.

"She… Well, she knows you're around," Robert sighed, fidgeting with the beer bottle. This surprised John, though he wasn't sure why. "Mary told her, of course. Apparently she asks of you frequently."

John said nothing.

"I don't think she'll look for you just yet. She'll probably give you time," Robert took a deep breath. "At least that's what Mary has mentioned. But you know she will see you eventually."

At this, John frowned. "Why would she?"

"You are returning to the hospital, aren't you?" Robert asked.

"Not at the moment. Not for a few months," John explained. A handful of factors contributed to that. He couldn't work properly when he got back, not with his leg injury, though that was getting better now. He had yet to pass the psychological exam to go back to work. He wasn't sure if he would ever be able to get through that. A doctor needed to be stable - physically and emotionally. He was neither.

"Well, you ought to see her eventually anyway," his friend insisted. "You know her. She's just giving you time. It will do you better if you see her before she sees you."

John cringed just slightly. "Is she angry?"

He wouldn't blame her if she was. He was the one who had been a fool in the end. Anna, on the other hand, was incapable of fault. He hadn't ended it because of her. He had ended it because of him. And for that he felt no regret.

"I think she's past that point," Robert revealed. "We haven't seen her much, but you know she meets up with Mary often. She… Well, she misses you."

And he missed her too. Every minute of every day.

But he only nodded.

It was Robert who spoke first.

"You should talk to her. She will be able to help you."

"No one can really help me, Rob," John interrupted. His voice sounded harsher than he had wanted it to be. "I should get going."

Formalities weren't exchanged; Robert seemed to sense the evening was done for him now, and it was only when they had reached the door that he spoke again, and John didn't anticipate the hug that Robert gave him. Their greeting had been no more than a strong handshake, which was usually enough for them, but Robert gave him a pet on the back and seemed emotional as they broke apart.

"It's good to have you back, my friend," he said.

John tried to ignore the wave of emotion that ran through him as well. "It's good to be back. Give Cora a kiss for me. And the girls too."

"Will do," Robert said as John slowly walked down the driveway. "Do you want me to give you a ride? Call a cab?"

John shook his head and half turned, managing a smile. "The walk is good for my leg. But thanks."

That was not a lie. Driving wasn't very comfortable and he didn't live that far, not really. But tonight his feet took him to a different route.

The streets were a little slippery from the recent rain, but nothing too bad. It was chilly but at least the rain had stopped. It wasn't so late and there were quite a few people about. From his position, he could see the back of the hospital's main building, just a couple of streets over. He would always drive by this street to get to work. The path was familiar to him, and it was as if nothing had changed. The bakery around the corner was still there, and so was the little graphic and art gallery. His steps were slow and careful. The diner was still open, but no one that he knew was in sight. He stopped in front of the flower shop.

It was closed, of course. But it was still colorful inside, with all the lovely flowers. He took a deep breath, feeling a new, sudden wave of emotion hit him. This time, he had to sniff to contain himself. He knew the inside of this shop as if it were raised above the palm of his hand. It was ingrained in his memories - the smiles, the laughter, the colours and the fragrances. He told himself it would be enough but… He wasn't completely sure. It was still dark and empty inside, save from a light from the back room. She sometimes forgot it turned on, he knew that. How many times had he come here, first thing in the morning, after a long shift or just before it? How many times had he come here to drive her home?

He had been gone for ten months, but it felt like centuries ago.

For now, the memories would have to do.

* * *

 _April 2013_

John was nervous upon entering the shop. He wasn't sure of what to get, not really. Could Mary be any more cryptic? Women liked flowers. He assumed they had a favourite, but of course Mary couldn't tell him what. It was enough that he had finally accepted being set up for a blind date, years after a rather nasty divorce. He was nervous, he would admit that. He hadn't been with a woman on a while and not in serious date in years. Robert spoke wonders of her. Mary insisted they would be great together. He hated blind dates though - it was odd to meet up with someone he had never seen before. But he supposed it wouldn't hurt to try.

He had decided to stop here on his way home from work because he wasn't sure if it would be open later. He couldn't very well buy a bouquet. They would meet in a casual restaurant. He wasn't one to draw attention to himself. But Mary insisted he would score good points if he gave her some flowers, and it wasn't as if he had much to lose.

But the shop had so many options - he was lost within less than five seconds.

A young woman quickly approached him with a smile. She had dark hair and was very small next to him, but her expression was friendly. "Can I help you?"

"I'd like some flowers," he said helplessly, hating how obvious that was. "Just, uh, something small. Discreet if possible."

The young woman frowned. "Right. Do you have a specific flower in mind, sir?"

Damn. All he knew were roses and daisies - he couldn't recall any other by the name. At his silence, the young woman asked one more question.

"May I know who is it for? I mean, just the occasion. It would help," she said softly, her eyes hopeful.

"It's, ah, for a lady," he replied, again hating how obvious he was acting. He looked around - there were those long white flowers his mother used to love. Perhaps would buy one of those - though it seemed a little big. Before the girl could say anything else, the bell rang and another customer arrived - a young man.

"I'll be with you in just a second," the girl said with a smile. Her name tag said 'Daisy'. How fitting.

John arched his eyebrows. "You can go and see what he needs, if you'd like. I'm at a loss here. May take me a while."

The young woman was surprised but appreciative. The young man asked for a bouquet of red roses. If only he could be that specific. He knew flowers had meanings but it was never a subject he took great interest in. Vera never really liked to receive flowers and he may have given her some maybe once, a long time ago, before they were married, even. The young man was choosing the roses now. Another woman appeared from the back door, wearing gloves and an apron. John watched as she looked at her co-worker and then at himself, and left her gloves behind the counter to walk to him. She was as petite as her colleague, but her hair was blonde and a little wavy in her ponytail, and she had a slight tan. He couldn't help but notice that her apron hug her waist nicely. And that she was much younger than him.

"Hi," she said with a bright smile. Her blue eyes were clear and friendly. There was no name tag on her apron. "How can I help you?"

"Hello," he said, feeling a little more comfortable with this woman than the girl before her. "I need something small. I'm not sure what. I'm not much of a connoisseur."

She laughed. "That's quite all right. For a lady, then? Or would it be a get well bouquet?"

"Erm… Yes, for a lady," John said. _Oh well_ , he thought. _It's not as if I'd ever have a chance with this woman_. "I haven't met her yet, actually."

The woman pursed her lips, her eyes darting about. "I see. So you'd want something discreet, right? That narrows things down a little," she walked towards the rose display. The girl named Daisy and the young man were now by the counter. The shop was small, but cozy. "I would suggest a rose, because it's discreet and classic. You can't really go wrong with them. You just have to choose a colour."

White, red, yellow, pink, light pink… The options were many and he didn't know which one would serve the purpose. He eyed the red roses; they were the most classical ones, he supposed. He never really gave a woman a rose before. He guessed there was a first time for everything. The woman was eyeing them as well. He took a chance. "Which one would you like? I mean, if it were you?"

She eyed him in surprise and he noticed a faint blush that appeared on her cheeks, but she smiled. "Well, I… I do love flowers. Any of them would make me happy."

"Which ones are your favourites?" he motioned the shop around them.

The woman pursed her lips. "I love poppies. And daisies. They're very cheerful," she confessed. John couldn't help but smile. "But well, for a date… A rose would do well. As for the colour, red is the most classic choice."

He sensed there was more to her tone than that. "But?"

She laughed - a beautiful sound. "I'll say that men usually choose it to apologise for doing something wrong. That's what we always get here," the young man left with the bouquet of red roses at that exact moment.

A look of understanding crossed his face. "They're overrated."

She shrugged. "A little, which is a shame. They mean true love, passion, desire."

John nodded. "And the others?"

"The light pink means new love," she explained, then pointed to the yellow one, "withering love or jealousy, which is not as nice. The white is purity and the pink means happiness. I suppose it doesn't really matter, though. Most people don't know their meanings."

"But you do," he sighed wistfully. "Maybe the lady I'm meeting does too."

She offered him a smile. "True enough. Oh, we have these too. They arrived today. The pink is almost a lilac, really," she pointed to a basket of roses in the corner. He couldn't really tell the difference between these and the light pink ones but he took her word for it. "They don't have thorns, so their meaning is love at first sight."

The young woman waited. He picked out the thornless rose. It seemed nicer next to the others, and he rather liked it. He was a romantic man, deep down - he had to make an effort, even if it didn't work.

"This one," he said with a smile. "If she's unpleasant, I'll just hope she doesn't know any flower meanings."

At this, the woman let out a hearty laugh. She took the rose from him. "Just one?"

"Yes, just the one."

"Well then, I'll wrap it up for you," she said, motioning for him to follow her.

When he left the shop, a few minutes later, he made a vague mental note to come back here, just in case the date failed.

He couldn't have anticipated his surprise, when later that evening, he found the same woman from the shop laughing upon meeting him at the table at the restaurant, finding the humour in the situation very amusing indeed. He couldn't help but finding it too - that the Anna who had gone to school with Mary was also the same woman who owned the little flower shop, not far from the hospital. She took the flower gracefully and confessed that it was her favourite rose.

He did return to the flower shop many times in the future.

* * *

 _Present Day_

John saw her again just a few days later. It hadn't been on purpose, even if he wouldn't admit to himself that he drove past her place once or twice since he got back. She had a lovely little cottage, inherited from her father, not far from the shop, but still a little off town. He had often worried about her being alone there. It was perfectly safe, he knew that, but he still worried. It was impossible not to.

They had planned that he would move there once he came back. His flat was small compared to her place, and he had thought that they could try and expand the cottage in the future - in case it was necessary. When he thought back to those plans, it was as if it had happened in a dream.

But it surprised him when he walked home one evening, having stopped to buy some groceries, and just as he was about to cross the street he saw her.

Anna was at the little café, one they had been to many times before, just around the corner from his apartment building. He would recognise her anywhere, and he stopped short. The drizzle that had been falling for the last hour didn't make it hard for see her. Her hair was loose, and shorter, he noticed. She was sitting alone, staring out, but she wasn't really looking at anywhere in particular. She looked beautiful.

Part of him wanted to run towards the café and see her up close - hug her, kiss her. He was still standing, unsure if he should do that. For a split of a second it seemed like the right thing to do. Until she was taken back to the café, and a man stood by her table. John watched as she looked up, and though he couldn't see it he just knew she was smiling. The man kissed her cheek and sat opposite from her. Dejectedly, John couldn't bring himself to keep watching and got back to walking.

The world had changed while he was away, he knew that. His mind was filled with possibilities, and by the time he got home he was convinced that perhaps she was on a date, perhaps that was her new boyfriend, perhaps she had changed her life too. Their relationship ended less than six months ago, but that was enough time to meet someone new. And he couldn't blame her - he hated himself what had become of them, but not her. Never her. If she found strength to move on, she did the right thing.

He fell asleep many, many hours later, in the early morning hours, and his thoughts were filled with her scent, her voice, and her skin.

* * *

 _June 2013_

They were inseparable. Their friends were happy they found each other, and they tried to see each other as much as possible. His work at the hospital sometimes left him with little time for himself. He was a pediatrician then, working for Scarborough General, and there was always a lot of work to do. After the divorce, he made himself available for night shifts and long weekends, but with Anna in his life that slowly changed.

Still, it was early in their relationship, too early for the sentimentality that filled his mind these days. He had never really made himself available for relationships after the divorce. He had never truly thought he would find someone again, or that he would think of marrying again. Anna made him question his principles, every time he saw her. It was far too easy to give in to her, to her mind and her body. They had been on many dates before taking the relationship to another step. They had had fun watching films and going for walks and finding new restaurants. And now, he was glad they did. Because once the next step was taken, it was torture just thinking of leaving her bed.

Now, he worked his way up her body, kissing and sucking and nibbling. He was slow and careful - her breathing was still erratic and the sweat from his body clung to hers. Before long, he reached her neck and her jaw, and he loved the look of pure bliss on her face. They kissed one more time, the taste of her mingling in their mouths, and she sighed, blinking a few times. He settled beside her, not wanting to part just yet. It had been days since they'd seen each other. His front pressed to her back as she molded herself to him, his fingers running through her hair as a satisfied sigh escaped her lips. He smiled into her neck.

"I love you," she whispered into the faint light of her bedroom, and he froze, surprised at her words. She laced their fingers together around her stomach and snuggled further against him. He knew she would expect him to say something - and it would be so easy for him to do so, because he felt he loved her ever since she smiled at him, that day at the shop.

His silence proved to be worse than anything, however, when he didn't bring himself to say the words. Anna turned in his arms, her long hair completely dishevelled after their lovemaking, and she looked absolutely perfect, save for the slightly worried expression on her face.

"You don't have to say anything," she told him, just as he opened his lips to speak. "I know it's… A little early for that. It just escaped me. I'm sorry."

But John shook his head. "No, don't be sorry. It's not that," he let out a deep breath, bringing his hands up from her waist, stopping just slightly on her collarbone. She had been to Spain just about three months ago, and the faint tan line of her bikini made her look even sexier. But now was not the time for that. "I don't think it's early. It's just… I never thought I'd hear that."

His hopeless explanation drew a smile from her. He felt calmer.

"I'm still getting used to the idea that you like being with me. Love, even," he added, and she let out a small laugh. "It's not that I don't love you back. Because I do. I do love you, very much. And I'm afraid because every day that passes I find myself loving you more."

At this, Anna let out an 'aww' and embraced him. "You're such a romantic. I love that."

John chuckled. "I'm glad you do. I'm sure you'll find it annoying sometimes."

She pulled away just slightly. "I doubt it. I love you," she repeated. These words were never so lovely. Her fingertips traced his lips. "What are you afraid of?"

He took a deep breath. "I don't know. Us not working out."

Anna frowned. "But we are working out, aren't we?"

He nodded. "Yes, of course."

"There are always risks, I suppose," she admitted. This was the first time they discussed their relationship properly. So much for pillow talk. "But we… Well, we have fun together. We enjoy many of the same things. And we've been accepting of what else we don't have in common. At least I think so."

He let out a chuckle, thinking back to the new _Grey's Anatomy_ episode he endured watching because of her. He had never been a fan of medical shows, but he had refrained from pointing out obvious mistakes to her.

"Yes, we have."

She gave him a bright smile. "Yes. And I love it when we're like this," she confessed, her hands now rubbing against his chest. She was blushing slightly - it was an endearing sight. Being with her was like coming home, over and over again. He felt as if he had been waiting all his life for her. "And I love our conversations."

"I do too," he agreed.

"So there are risks," she continued. "And it won't always be a rosy garden, I know that. But I think it will be all right."

John smiled at her, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "And I believe you when you say that."

"Well then," Anna said brightly. "Will you say it again?"

He arched his eyebrows. She was making fun of him, in the best possible way.

"I didn't quite hear you the first time around," she said, her eyes twinkling with mischief. He could swear he had just fallen for her again in that moment.

To humour her, he cleared his throat. She giggled, but turned serious when he said the words. "I love you."

It felt easier this time around.

She was smiling when she spoke. "And I love you too. See, that wasn't too hard-"

He interrupted her with a kiss, his fingers tickling the skin of her stomach, and in between giggles and kisses, he found himself putting his faith in her - it would be all right. He could believe that. And he could now stop pretending that he hadn't been hers right from their first kiss.

* * *

 _Present Day_

It was early on Saturday when he reached the beach. He had had a therapy session earlier at the hospital, and as it had been particularly trying, he decided some fresh air would be better than stay inside his flat all day. Most of his things had been in boxes ever since he left months ago, and he only had the essentials out of them. He should be working on those soon. It would be good - give him something to think about.

It was early enough that most locals were out of sight, and the shops were beginning to open for the weekend. A couple ran past him, jogging. He and Anna used to do that sometimes, when the weather allowed it. He walked slower than usual, taking care of his leg. The wound in his knee was still healing. He passed by a little family sitting on the sand, even on the cold day, and their little boy was running rapidly towards the sea. It didn't take long for the father to run over to catch him. He heard a bark behind him. John took a deep breath, and allowed himself to purse his lips - the ghost of a smile. He felt better already, here - breathing in the salty air, seeing people start their weekends. He stopped walking and turned to watch the sea. It was a little cloudy and chilly, but still pleasant, if one wore a coat, of course. The barking grew closer. He turned his head.

He couldn't believe his eyes. Before he knew it, he was bending his knees and crouching down to welcome the dog into his arms. Of course he knew him - dogs never forgot. But he was so much bigger than the last time he laid eyes on him. Probably at least twice his size, really. And when he looked up, he saw her.

Anna was running towards them, wearing sneakers, leggings and a baggy pink jumper that looked quite good on her. When their eyes met, her steps ceased. Her surprise was obvious, but then so was his, and she took tentative steps towards them. Her cheeks were rosy pink from running and her eyes seemed to dart everywhere - his face, his hair, his body. He wasn't sure what it was that he saw in her eyes - perhaps relief. Perhaps love.

"Byron!" she called as she approached them, and the furry white dog ran towards her, visibly excited. She laughed at him, but not before crouching down to put his leash on. "Do not run away like that again!"

The dog merely sat up between them, eyes darting back and forth. Anna stood up again.

"I'm sorry. It's the first time he's done this," she explained, a little flustered.

"Ever since he was a puppy, you mean?" he asked, remembering all too well how the little puppy Anna had taken from a shelter would run away quite a lot whenever they took him on walks.

She let out a laugh. "Yes. He's been much better lately. Still learning, though," she added, chancing a look at the dog and then back at him. "This is… Well, it's a surprise."

"Yes, I, uh, got back a couple weeks ago," John told her.

"Yes, I know," Anna said with a nod. She looked even more beautiful now than before. "How have you been?"

"I'm better," he told her, but he meant physically. "I suffered a… knee injury there. Walking helps to heal it, to use the muscles. It's a slow process."

She nodded. "Yes, of course," her voice sounded odd. He thought he saw a trace of tears on her eyes, but only for a moment. "I'm very glad that you're back. I was worried."

"I know," John sighed. "I'm sorry."

She smiled, but it did not reach her ears. "Don't think I'll ever be able to watch the news properly again."

He simply nodded, hating that he had caused her such pain. But he knew they had to talk. Not like this - properly. She didn't seem angry, which was good - but at the same time, it made him worry.

"How are you?" he found himself asking.

"I'm okay," she told him, sniffing, but sobering up quickly. "The shop is doing well. Byron keeps me good company at home."

They shared a genuine smile at that, but he knew he should be the one to keep her company. And he could only hope she didn't share his thoughts.

"I should be going, to open the shop," she said a moment later, apparently annoyed at that. "I'd like it if we could, you know, talk properly. If you want to."

John nodded. "I'd like that."

His reply apparently surprised her. "Yes? So… When are you free? Tonight?"

So soon. But he nodded. "I'm free."

She smiled. "Good, that's… That's nice. Would you like to come over then? We can, you know, catch up. It would be better if we were there, I think."

John could see that she was nervous, and he knew he was too. He couldn't give her hope now - there was nothing worse than to live with false hope. And yet, just by seeing her, he knew that she gave him hope. More hope than he should really have.

"Yes, that would be better," he agreed.

"All right then," she said, and he suspect her tone was brighter than she truly felt. She looked at him expectantly. It was a miracle itself that she wanted to see him again, after their last few conversations. He tried to keep the image of her tears away for now. She was in front of him now, not across the world on a computer screen. She was right here.

And before he knew, she launched herself forward, her arms wrapping around his middle. She rested her head against his chest and he couldn't help but put his arms around her again. There were times when he thought that he would never see her again, or feel her warmth against him. And yet, she was here now - clinging to him, making his heart beat faster. When he looked down, she had her eyes closed. And as she pulled away, slowly, he saw that a tear had fallen into her cheek. She wiped it away.

"I'm sorry," Anna said. Her voice wavered. "It's so good to see you here."

"It's very good to see you too," he said with honesty. "So, tonight."

She smiled. "Yes. I'll see you then. Best get going now. Come on, Byron," she asked the dog, whose tail went from side to side, but did not move. "Come on, boy."

With a tug on his leash, Byron did walk towards Anna. She was his rightful owner, after all, even if they had adopted the dog together, even if they had named him together. John watched as they walked away towards the street, and Anna looked behind once, twice, three times before he started to walk away. He did it because it was becoming hard to not go after her, to not kiss her lips and let her into his life. His arms felt empty now that she was gone, but it was as if his heart had started breathing again now that she was around. It only confirmed what he already knew.

He had never stopped being hers.


	2. When You Were Mine

_Chapter 2: When_ _You_ _Were_ _Mine_

 _March 2014_

John brought it up during dinner. He went straight to her place after work, something that was becoming more and more frequent. Anna had greeted him with a kiss and waited for him to get there before eating, even if it was already late. She asked of his day at work and was pleased when he told her the little girl he had been treating for a few weeks would be able to go back home in a few days. Before long, he brought up the subject. He had spoken to Joseph the day before, who was currently stationed on a mission in Afghanistan. John had done missionary work in the past, after he left medical school, and it was something he had always wanted to do. Perhaps he should have done it before he met Anna, as he didn't know what her reaction would be.

And it wasn't the best one.

" _Doctors_ _Without_ _Borders_?" she repeated once he told her of his plan. He noticed she had stopped eating immediately. "But you'd be away."

"It wouldn't be more than a few months," John told her. "Maybe one year. No more than that."

"And they would send you to conflict areas," it was not a question. "You'd be in the middle of war."

"Not necessarily. There are many countries that need only the medical assistance."

Her nostrils flared up just slightly. He was in trouble now. "But you could be sent to conflict areas."

"That's a possibility, yes. But we don't have sides, they leave us alone. We're there to treat everyone. It is risky, but only to an extent," John acquiesced. Anna turned her attention to the spaghetti on her plate. He remained silent. Of course this would change things. But he felt he needed to do this now - else he would never do it again. He was still fit, at forty four years of age. He could take a leave from the hospital and come back to his job once the mission was over. But he knew he would have to be away for at least a few months. That wouldn't have been a problem two years ago. It was a problem now.

"Have you applied yet?" Anna asked a few minutes later. She was done eating, and she was apparently calmer. He took a sip of juice and shook his head.

"No. I've worked for them in the past, they've offered me a new mission, if I'm interested. But I wanted to discuss it with you first," he told her. She nodded, but said nothing. "I know it's risky. And I know you'll worry. But Joseph is working for them and nothing has happened to him. He comes back in two months. You know I did similar work when I was younger."

"Yes, but you were younger," she said, her eyes pleading, as if that explained everything.

John took a deep breath. "I'd like to do it again, one more time. To feel as if I've truly helped people in need."

"But you do that every day," Anna said again. "How's that so different?"

He was surprised that she couldn't see the difference but he knew she was blinded by him going away. Her reaction had been worse than he thought, and when his explanations didn't seem to make her see his point, she went to bed in a bit of a hurry. He hated arguing with Anna - they very rarely did, and it was never over something very serious. Not like this, anyway. He finished tidying up the kitchen as he usually did for her, and even contemplated going to his own flat, but it wouldn't do. His life with Anna was the most important thing to him, and if she truly didn't want him to go, he wouldn't.

John tiptoed his way up the stairs and into the bedroom; she was already in bed, apparently asleep. He took a shower and put on his pajamas pants before joining her, careful not to wake her. He hated going to bed with unfinished business on his mind, and he particularly hated the trepidation it brought him. So he tentatively got settled and spooned her, just the way they usually slept. Anna didn't stir. Just as he had got comfortable, however, her voice pierced the air.

"I'm sorry."

He stopped moving, surprised, and she turned around, remaining close to him. He caught sight of the tears that had ran through her cheeks and brought his hands up to stroke them.

"My darling," he kissed her softly. He didn't want to bring her any pain. "That's enough of that. I won't go if it'll make you unhappy."

But Anna shook her head, biting down a sob. "I don't want you to let go of your dreams because of me. If you want to do this, you should."

"The last thing I want is to see you sad," he assured her. "The only reason why I thought about doing it now is because once we marry and… Well, once we have a family I won't be able to do it. And I'd like to do it again. But I won't if you don't want me to."

Her bottom lip wobbled. "I don't want you to. I won't pretend the opposite. But I want you to be happy and to follow opportunities. I don't want you to feel like you're missing out," Anna insisted. "Just promise me you'll come back to me."

"Anna-"

"Promise me," she interrupted. "Promise me that and then we'll talk about it and see what's best for you."

"And for us," he reminded her, but she shook her head.

"It's all the same."

He took a deep breath. He shouldn't have promised her that, he knew it the minute his mission was revealed, months later. But at the time, he made his promise with a clear conscience and in the hopes that she would be understanding.

"I promise I'll come back to you," he said, loud and clear. He kissed her lips softly. "And when I return, we will marry. And have our family."

Anna sniffed. "Don't joke like that."

But John smiled. "I'm not joking."

"Is this your way of proposing?" Anna let out a laugh.

"No, I'll do it properly one day," John kissed her again. "Don't worry. Not yet. Okay? I'll see what I can find out and then we will talk it through."

She nodded against him, falling into his embrace. "I'm sorry I overreacted."

In the back of his mind, he knew that she hadn't.

* * *

 _Present Day_

Byron greeted him enthusiastically when he parked his car in the driveway, already. As soon as he left the car, the dog was jumping rather excitedly, and it instantly brought a smile to his face. He crouched down and scratched behind the dog's ears.

"Are you taking good care of Anna?" John said in a low voice. "Making sure she's fine every day? That no one bothers her?"

Byron barked. John smiled.

"Yes, I know you are," he patted the dog's back. "You've always been a good boy. She needs to be taken care of."

"I can look after myself, you know," Anna's voice startled him. John stood up immediately. Byron left his place by his side and ran to her, who was still standing by the front door. The dog entered the cottage without a second thought. It was getting dark.

John took slow steps towards her. "I never said you couldn't."

Her look was skeptical, but she said no more. She did allow herself to smile and he did the same. Her place was exactly the same as he remembered. The garden wasn't exactly lively this time of the year, but it was lovely all the same. Anna had always been extremely organized in all aspects, so he wasn't surprised. Their greeting was awkward - he wasn't sure if they should hug or simply do nothing. It was odd to not kiss her lips and not put his hand on her waist or her back. Instead, she took the decision from him and simply rested a hand on his arm, guiding him in.

"I'm just finishing things up," she told him as they entered the cottage. "I hope you still like lasagna."

He scratched his head absentmindedly and nodded, following her. They passed by the living room. Everything was the same - save for a few missing photographs under the television. Byron was on his little bed in the corner of the room, chewing a bone toy.

"I do," he assured her. Normally he wouldn't say anything else, but his therapist urged that he needed to share more. "I probably like it even more now. The food wasn't always great there."

They entered the kitchen. Anna nodded. "Yes, I remember you saying that. You said you were dying for a burger that one day. I had to go and buy one for myself."

John frowned, watching her move from the doorway. She took a look inside the oven. The little table was set up already. He was glad she hadn't gone into any more trouble, like setting up their meal on the bigger table in the dining room. He didn't want her to hope too much. He wasn't sure how her life was - by all means, this was just a simple meal between… Friends. But they had never been just friends, even if he considered her his best friend.

"Did I say that?"

"Yeah, the day before- Just in one of our video chats," she said dismissively. "Would you like something to drink? I have some wine."

It felt weird to feel like a simple visitor in this house.

He declined. "Water is fine. I don't drink anymore. But you can drink wine if you'd like."

Anna shook her head. "No, it's fine. I was never much of a drinker anyway. You know that."

John smiled. "I do remember that one night after Mary's birthday."

She let out a laugh. "I'm glad one of us remember that. And that proved it to you I'm really not much of a drinker."

They laughed, each on opposite sides of the room. He remembered her vividly, as if it had happened last night. Her giggles and glassy eyes, how she had asked him, in a very sweet manner, to stay the night with her and take care of her in the morning. She wasn't too drunk to not remember anything, and the result had been a rather bad headache in the morning, but he had made her some soup and they napped together the following afternoon. It wasn't often that he could spend the weekend with her without being on call. She wasn't much of a drinker but she was still the most adorable one.

"How have you been?" he asked after a moment, when Anna handed him a glass of water.

"Okay," was all she offered. "I'm, ah, redecorating the bathrooms. We had some leak problems and we've had to break a lot of things down. It was a mess. Nearly done now, though."

He nodded. Her words struck a chord though - was she living with someone else? He remembered the cottage having some issues, it being a rather old building. And before he could think about it, he spoke. "I saw you the other day. At that café, near the flat."

She frowned but a look of understanding crossed her face the next moment. "Yes, I was there the other day. Meeting up with Gwen and her boyfriend."

"Oh."

He had never been the jealous type. Maybe that's why Anna was eyeing him suspiciously. Gwen was single when he left, so he wouldn't know her boyfriend. People moved on after he left. He was selfish to hope that Anna hadn't, even if it was the best. It would happen eventually - that much he knew. He was spared another comment when she announced dinner was ready and that gave space to a new topic of conversation. They both knew they were making time for what would have to happen at some point in the evening. But he felt a comfort in sitting across from her, and talking about trivial things such as the weather and Anna's redecorating.

* * *

 _September_ _2014_

It was late afternoon when he got the call. He would be able to take a leave starting in January and he had been expecting the call, ever since he made it known. He had just turned the phone off and was checking his e-mail when the jingling sound of keys hit the door, and Anna entered his flat, holding flowers in one hand and a rather heavy notebook on her hand. She gave him a smile and put the notebook on the desk, beside his computer and where he was sitting.

"Hello, you," she said brightly, giving him a quick kiss. "I've brought these to brighten this place up."

John arched his eyebrows, watching as she walked away and disappeared into the kitchen.

"As if this place needs brightening up," he said, loud enough for her to hear, "when you brighten this place as it is."

His eyes focused back on the e-mail, finally opening it. This was it, he would finally know where he would go for his mission. It was all nearly done - he had done his training in London, made himself available for a year. He heard Anna giggle from the kitchen, but he didn't register her words, his eyes too focused on the words in front of him. He sat back in his chair, taking it in. The first week of January would be his last week in England for nearly a year.

"You're such a charmer," Anna's amused voice brought him back to earth. He looked at her, putting the little vase of flowers on the little coffee table. She seemed satisfied with her work, and looked at him, obviously expecting him to say something. "What is it?"

It took him a second to reply. "I got the mission. And the dates, and everything."

They had worked things out. He had hoped the mission wouldn't be too long. Anna was understanding and supportive, but they were making plans. He was supposed to move in with her in January, when his leave started. If he wasn't called for a mission, they would travel. Of course she didn't expect the news, even if they knew they could come. So she stood, surprised, just for a moment. He gave her time to compose herself. He watched as she nodded and smoothed down her dress in a nervous manner. She walked towards him.

"What is it, then? Let's hear it," she said, stopping beside him. He motioned for her to read the e-mail and his arm hugged her legs, just as she moved to sit on his lap. Her eyes moved fast as she read, her face devoid of emotion, if only for a few seconds. She blinked rapidly. He could read her like a book. She was worried already. Trying to foresee every imaginable situation. His grip on her waist tightened, and she spoke. "It's a long time."

John nodded. He wondered how would he do without her for so long. "I know."

"I don't suppose you'll let me visit."

He shook his head, placing a kiss on her shoulder. "No."

"That's so far away," she sniffed, looking back to the screen. "You'll be so far away."

He smiled, having anticipated this. Any place would have been too far from her. But she had taught him to have faith in them - they would work it out. Video chats, phone calls. They would be able to make do. She would be waiting for him to return, and he would be waiting to return to her. Over a year with her taught him more about life and love than he had learned previously. He wasn't sure how he would survive without her kisses - it wasn't that he regretted his decision. He regretted not doing it before meeting her. But she supported him. And he thought of the future they would have. The worse possibility was that he would be one rather long flight away.

"Could have been worse. Africa is pretty big," he said, and she turned back to look at him. "We'll have some months for ourselves. And when I return we'll get on with our plans."

Anna nodded, though her eyes were hesitant. It was not a safe area. But, if he was honest, there was no safe area. He felt accomplished - he hoped he would be able to help the people there in any way that might be possible. He knew Anna understood that, and he also knew it could be very, very hard. He took her hand.

"Let's make the most of the time we'll have," he told her. "Don't worry. I'll message you every day. And I'll be back before you know it."

She smiled weakly. "Promise me you won't run away with a local girl and leave me here by myself."

At that, he laughed. "Never. That's the last thing we have to worry about."

And he kissed her, slowly, savouring every moment, every touch, because he already missed her immensely.

* * *

 _Present_ _Day_

Anna insisted she would handle the dishes later, and he fell into the uneasy pattern here - they usually did the dishes together, or when she cooked he would take care of the kitchen. It wasn't like that anymore, of course. He couldn't remember the last time he ate so much - and he supposed that was a good thing.

Byron was asleep when they entered the living room and he sat on the settee - not his usual chair. How many times had he seated here to read a book or just spend time with Anna?

She sat beside him, though there was still a respectable distance between them. He took notice of the rather empty shelf under the telly.

"I still have them," Anna said softly, following his eyes. He supposed seeing the many photographs of them wouldn't have helped her much. "Just… Had to put them away."

He nodded. That was the natural thing to do.

"So you're not… I mean, you're not-"

"Seeing anyone?" she finished this sentence for him. He was glad she had. She shook her head. "No. Mary has been insisting on setting me up with whatever new guy arrived in her office but I don't- I don't really feel like I'm ready for that."

She took a deep breath, then looked at him hesitantly. "Why didn't you come see me? When you arrived," he wasn't surprised that she went straight to the point. Anna had always been practical. But he wasn't sure what was the answer for that question. "Some of your boxes are still in the garage. I never went through them."

"I… Thank you. I'll have to get the boxes some other time," John started. Byron woke up and watched them. "I wanted to see you. But I couldn't."

"Why not?"

He ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know. Pride, regret. And I was sorry. I still am. For the way I treated you."

Anna blinked rapidly. "You did what you thought was right."

"I hurt you," he closed his eyes for a second. "I didn't give you a chance to even talk about it. You were worried and I was… I wasn't myself."

"No. You were not," she agreed, and he saw the hurt for the first time in her eyes. "You didn't listen to me."

"I was hopeless," he said - a sad excuse. "When I answered your phone call, I thought we would be dead by the end of the week. I couldn't let you feel attached to me, linked to me-"

"We were in a relationship for almost two years," she interrupted him. "I'll always- I'll always feel linked to you."

"I know," he said simply. "I want- I'm trying to get better. I was going to call you the day… The day the hospital got stroke."

She closed her eyes. "I was so worried."

"I couldn't bring myself to do it afterwards," he shook his head. He couldn't bring himself to face the memories - not here, not in front of her. "I had to stay there, recovering. And the things we saw- I was only sure I would return when I arrived in London. I didn't want you to face you then - I didn't want to face you yesterday."

"But why not?" she asked again. "You're here now. Isn't that what matters?"

"I've changed," John said. He rubbed his temple. "I have headaches - nightmares. I'm not safe. Do you see? It's not safe to be around me. Not anymore," he ignored the tears that stung his eyes. "I can't even go back to work, I can't have my life back."

"You can have me back," he hated how pleading she sounded. Her hands reached for his. They were warm. "We can start over. I can- I'll try to help, we can do this-"

It was the most difficult thing he ever had to do.

" _No_ , Anna," his voice was harsh even to his own ears.

He pulled her hands away, slowly, and she gasped. They were very close together - too close. He was bringing her even more pain. But it was for the best; he couldn't live the way he used to before. He couldn't go to bed with her by his side not knowing if he would have a nightmare and hurt her - physically hurt her - in the process. He couldn't make her life revolve around him, around what he could do and what he had to stay away from.

"I still love you," her voice was small, her face close to his. He hated seeing her tears. "I never stopped."

"I'll always love you," he said slowly, "but I've risked my life. I won't risk yours."

Her eyes didn't leave his - it took him all his willpower not to kiss her then and there, not even when she moved, not even when their breaths mingled. He longed for her - but he couldn't have her. He pulled away, putting distance between them, and stood up.

"I should go."

"Wait."

Anna reached behind her neck and Byron was looking rather accusingly at him. She took off a necklace, revealing a gold band - the small, white stone shone before his eyes, as if he had given it to her yesterday. She took his hand and put the ring on his palm.

"This isn't mine anymore," Anna mumbled, wiping some tears away from her cheeks. "It hasn't been for a while, anyway. Don't know why I-"

"It was yours from the moment you accepted it," he interrupted her, reaching for her hand and repeating her gesture. "I want you to keep it."

She closed her hand around the ring and nodded, more tears falling. Byron nudged against her leg and her free hand patted his head. John gulped in silence - his heart was shattered, and he knew hers would be too, but it was for the best.

"I'm sorry, Anna."

And he left her, standing in the middle of her living room, holding the ring that once meant their engagement.

* * *

 _January_ _2015_

"I think that's all done," were his words.

His bags were ready - not a difficult task, as he only needed to take the basics. His co-workers at the hospital had thrown him a small party to wish him a good trip the week before, and just two days ago Anna had surprised him with a little get together with their closest friends. He was staying in her house tonight - his flat was all taken up with boxes that would soon be stored, as he would be renting the flat while he was away. Some of the boxes were already in Anna's garage - books and items that he would move there, once he had the time.

Anna was stretched out in bed, a thoughtful expression on her face. But she smiled when she saw him, and quickly sat up. She had taken these last few days off to be with him, and he was addicted to her company.

"Are you sure you're not forgetting to do anything?" she said, a teasing smile going wonderfully with her mischievous eyes.

He caught her meaning and tossed his phone on the chair next to the door, pretending to think about it.

"What could I have forgotten?" John asked her, walking towards her. She moved slightly in bed, away from him. He could play at that game. He caught her ankle, and she let out a shriek, giggling loudly. He joined her in bed, moving so he was on top of her, and couldn't help but laugh at her sweet laughter, her blissful happiness. "As if I'd ever forget you."

"I should hope not!" was her indignant reply.

"Never!" he exclaimed. Anna laughed again, kissing him. "I intend to spend the next eighteen hours in this bed, right here, with you."

She arched her eyebrows. "And if I feel hungry?"

"Then I'll leave, get some food and we'll eat it right here," he nibbled at her ear. She started to untuck his shirt from his trousers. "I'll miss you so much."

"I'll miss you too," Anna breathed.

She smelled of flowers and of soap and he loved it. Her hair was soft against his skin, and right then and there, he decided it was the perfect opportunity. When she was about to urge him to take his shirt off, he spoke against her ear, a mere whisper.

"Marry me."

Anna stopped moving, her breathing hard. He kissed her neck one more time and pulled away to look at her. Her bright blue eyes were wide, as if she was asking herself if she heard the right words.

"I love you," he announced, this time loud and clear. "Marry me, Anna."

Her next breath was the sweetest thing he had ever heard.

"Yes," she said, still slightly astonished. "Yes, of course I will!"

She was laughing now and so was he. John pulled away just to reach for his pocket, where the small box had been put not long ago. He opened it and took the ring off - a delicate, beautiful piece he had bought weeks ago. He brought her hand between their bodies and slipped the ring on her third finger. It was perfect. Anna watched him, examined the ring, and beamed. They kissed.

He fell in love with her all over again.

He would leave the next day and, unbeknownst to him, a month later Anna would buy a pregnancy test.

* * *

 _A/N: I know. Don't hate me! Maybe I can be persuaded to update sooner..._

 _Next chapter: a meeting with a colleague at the hospital makes John worry for Anna's health, and he confronts her about it._


	3. Waiting For You

_A/N: Now, things are starting to be more hopeful... Hope everyone likes it! Let me know your thoughts. I was going to update last week again, but life got in the way, so - here it is! Thanks so much for everyone who has reviewed so far!_

* * *

 _Chapter_ _3:_ _Waiting For You_

 _Helicopters - their sound was deafening. Screams, yells. Shots after shots. Something was on fire. His phone had fallen from his pocket - he was looking for it. He had to call Anna, to let her know that he was sorry, to let her know he loved her, that he had never stopped loving her. He heard more screaming - Anna's screaming. He tried to run towards her, but she wasn't there. She was distant, far from his reach, in pain, confused, and there was nothing he could do._

 _And then there was silence. As if time had frozen completely. There was nothing. And then, another deafening sound. Worse, much worse. Approaching them - approaching him. There were children crying. He had to get them out. He had to take them far from here._

 _And then, it was dark._

He woke up in a cold sweat. The clock next to his bed said it was just 5:12 in the morning. The sheets were all over the bed, as if he had been struggling the whole time. He had barely slept. He left Anna's place and went straight home. Sleep evaded him - he only thought of her. Of how he had caused her pain, of how he still caused her pain. She deserved better. Someone fitter, less selfish. He had done nothing to help her. He shouldn't have agreed to see her again, to cause them more misery.

He sat up and went into the kitchen, not bothering to turn on the lights. He preferred the dark these times. He filled a glass with water.

He wanted her. God, how he wanted her. But he couldn't have her now, not when he couldn't sleep, he couldn't think straight. He was virtually jobless, battling depression, handling post-traumatic issues. She didn't have the obligation to deal with all this. He knew he had to at least get his boxes from her garage, but he suspected it would be better for them if they didn't speak anymore. Not for a while, anyway.

She was better off without him in her life.

* * *

"Goodness, you don't look very well," Mary spoke as soon as she stepped inside the store. Anna ignored Daisy's nod of agreement.

It took her forever to fall asleep on Saturday - she spent hours in the living room afterwards, Byron's head on her lap, as if he knew something wasn't right, and she cried until she felt there were no more tears in her. Afterwards, she tidied up the kitchen - an effort to take her mind off things a little. But when she went to bed, alone, it felt even more real. And when she woke up alone, on Sunday, it felt like a nightmare.

She had hoped, of course she had. Their break-up had been stupid, silly. She spent the months afterwards worrying about him - when he would come home, if Robert or Mary knew something. Twice she emailed him, in her desperate state, to know if he was all right. His answers always took a while to arrive, and they were always short. But a part of her thought he would return and they would make things work. She knew he still loved her. So why wouldn't they be back together? She was proud and she knew that they would need time to heal their wounds but - she loved him too much to not want him back immediately.

But apparently, that would never happen.

"I've got the lilies you wanted to take a look at," Anna said, changing the subject quickly, and leaving the counter to go to the back room.

Mary soon followed her, but Anna couldn't face her now. The back room served as an office and a working station for the bouquet, and Mary closed the door behind them. They were quite alone - Daisy wouldn't eavesdrop. Anna walked to the door the led to their storage area - a sort of greenhouse, a small one, behind the building, and picked the vase of flowers she mentioned. The calla lilies weren't very big now but they would be bigger in Spring - just in time for Mary's wedding.

"Oh, they're beautiful," Mary said as she saw the flowers. "I don't suppose they should be used for all the decoration, but I should like a bouquet with these. Think it will go well with my dress?"

Anna managed a smile, grateful for the successful subject change. "It'll look wonderful, I'm sure. You should show them to your decorator."

"I will," Mary said. Anna touched the flowers softly, feeling Mary's eyes on her. "You saw him, didn't you?"

She took a deep breath and nodded. "Yes. I did."

"Did you talk?"

Anna picked the vase again. "Yes. He went to my place on Saturday and we had dinner."

Mary's eyes widened. "Did you tell him?"

Their eyes met. Anna knew what Mary was talking about. She shook her head, drawing her attention back to the flowers she was holding.

"No," Anna said simply. "He left before I had a chance to. He's had… He's had many problems. He's changed."

"You've changed too," Mary interrupted her. "Because of him. He should know of what you went through, it was his fault-"

"It was hardly his fault," Anna retorted.

Mary shrugged. "Maybe not all of it. But afterwards, it was his fault. You didn't tell him then because he was away. He needs to know now."

"I know that," Anna said, her tone turning harsh. Her eyes were stinging from tears that had not been shed yet. She blinked and softened up the next moment. Hadn't she cried enough last night? "I do know that. But he… On Saturday, he… We talked. And he doesn't want me back."

"What?" Mary looked astonished. A sob escaped Anna. "Oh, Anna."

Before her friend could hug her, Anna shook her head, swallowing down another sob. "I'll be fine. I just… Need a moment," she took a deep breath. "I don't know why I hoped we would get back together," Mary offered her water from a plastic cup. "Thank you."

Mary led her to one of the chairs in front of her desk and they sat beside each other, in silence, for a few moments.

"I should talk to him," Mary said abruptly.

Anna's eyes widened. "What? No!" she touched Mary's arm. "You can't, you'll only make things worse. We'll… We'll end up seeing each other. We'll just have to deal with that when it happens."

She didn't like to think of Mary's wedding, which she would most likely attend alone. Robert's birthday party, in just a couple of months. Two years of relationship completely changed her life and gave her more friends, family, people who cared for her. Even if it was unintentional - he might not have realised it, but they would always meet up eventually, accidentally. It wasn't a large town. When he did go back to work, they wouldn't be far from each other. He would still drive by her shop every day.

"And you won't tell him?" Mary asked, clearly disapproving. Anna didn't answer right away. It wasn't simple. "Anna, it was _his_ child too."

She nodded - she knew that. He should know, of course, not for her sake, but because she thought their baby deserved more than that. Even if they were never born, never given a proper chance to live. He should know because it was something they had made together. _Someone_.

"I'll tell him," she said resolutely, trying not to focus on the pain the baby's loss had brought. "I'm not sure when. I won't go looking for him, but… I just think he doesn't deserve any more pain. If… When the time is right, he will know."

Her words caused Mary to nod, albeit there were doubts in her eyes. Anna wiped away the tears, taking a deep breath - almost ready to face the world. She smiled at her friend.

"So a bouquet of calla lilies then?" Anna asked, standing up immediately. Mary followed her with her eyes. "I must say they are perfect for you."

"Well, you would know," Mary said, but her smile didn't reach her eyes.

A few minutes later, they were talking about the upcoming wedding, and in the back of her mind, Anna remembered that just a few months ago they had been discussing her own.

* * *

 _March 2015_

His words echoed in her mind, over and over again. The phone call had been distressing. Anna had been trying to contact him for two days. There were attacks near his camp. She kept the news on all day, even at the shop, and she was always looking for an email, a text, a call from him. When it came, she was relieved - he was alive, he was well. But he was different - had been different for a few weeks now. He didn't speak much. She knew the situation wasn't good, but she had faith he would be all right. They didn't do anything against the doctors, did they? It wasn't like that.

But he seemed scared, or perhaps afraid that it wouldn't go like that. And she was sure she would never forget his words.

"We should end this, Anna."

She was silent - speechless. She hadn't told him about the baby yet, even though she was almost three months gone. She would have to tell him soon - she was looking forward to it. Perhaps he would be able to come home earlier. Perhaps it would bring him some joy.

But there was nothing in his voice. No emotion - nothing.

"Forget me and be happy."

His tone seemed so final, and this time she did regain her voice - called his name, told him it wasn't going to be like that, they were more than that. She wanted him to share things with her, share his experiences. But he shut himself out, put himself away, and they had never been so distant. Her pleas were not heard, because there was a terrible, awful noise - shots, maybe. Guns. Something of the sort. She was desperate - he hadn't been at the hospital then, but at the place he shared with other missionaries. And then, all of sudden, the call ended.

She lost the baby three days later.

* * *

 _Present Day_

The hospital's hallways were the same and yet they felt strange to him. One more session had gone slightly better. The nightmares were still there, but John was getting a little more open now - open to talk about exactly what bothered him. He had never been one to share much of his feelings, but it helped more than he had initially realised. But now, his therapist had struck another chord - Anna.

Dr Coleman wanted him to talk to her - share his experiences. And that wasn't something he was willing to do, not yet. He hadn't seen her since that fateful day at her place, and while he had been assured by Robert that Anna was doing fine, he didn't want to bother her anymore. They were done - she deserved him gone, at least that much.

He turned on a corner, ready to take the elevator, and ran straight into none other than Dr Baxter, an obstetrician colleague that he hadn't seen in quite a bit now - not since his last day at the hospital before he left for Africa.

"Dr Bates!" she exclaimed, smiling. "How lovely to see you."

They shook hands. John smiled weakly.

"I'm sure you're not surprised to see me," he noted. "I met with Joseph last week and he mentioned you."

Dr Baxter nodded. "Yes, he did mention that. How are you finding things now that you've returned?"

"Different," he said with caution, "but also very much the same."

She smiled. "That's what Joseph said when he returned from his mission too," but she caught herself now, and her eyes were silently apologising to him. "Not that it was like yours."

"No, indeed."

They all knew of course - of his therapy, his injury, the whole attack. It had been widely publicized and criticized, and he had been there through it all. Perhaps it was compassion or pity in her eyes - he wasn't sure - but he was about to make an excuse to go when she spoke again.

"How… How's Anna?" Dr Baxter asked, as if she just suddenly remembered her. "I saw her here a few weeks ago. I'm sure she's completely recovered now."

He frowned - he couldn't hide his surprise.

"Recovered?" he repeated. His mind was spiraling. Had Anna been ill? "From what?"

Dr Baxter clearly didn't know what to say - and she clearly didn't like that she was cornered. But something had happened - something made Anna go to the hospital in his absence. She had seemed physically fine when he last saw her.

A pager rang through the air. Dr Baxter took hers from her scrubs' pocket and looked apologetically at him. Saved by the bell.

"It's good to have you back," she mumbled, leaving in the opposite direction seconds later.

John left too - facing the winter cold that got worse every day. It would snow soon, or so the news said. He looked back at the hospital and thought about Phyllis Baxter's words.

Something wasn't right.

* * *

Anna shivered as Daisy opened the door, and a rush of wind entered the shop. It was almost time to close the shop and one of the delivery boys who sometimes stopped by with flowers had offered to help Daisy to put the rest of the flowers inside the shop again. Anna watched them with a cautious eye from the counter, where she was now selling a vase of white tulips to a friendly woman who was a regular customer. Today, she had brought her daughter, and the little girl was staring at the floral displays with the utmost interest.

"Mummy, can't we get daisies?" she asked, for what was perhaps the third time since they entered the shop.

"Not today, Evie," the woman said dismissively. She rolled her eyes good-naturedly to Anna. "Next time."

The door opened again and Anna was about to ask Daisy to just put the flowers all back inside at once - but someone else entered the shop.

 _John._

Her mouth felt dry and he gave her a quick nod in her direction. Anna recovered quickly - took the money from the customer and it only took her a moment to give her the change and hand the woman the bag with the flowers. Why would John be here now, today? He had shaved - reminded her of when they met for the first time. She had always loved it when he sported a beard but it was never very good for her - her skin would get red and one time Daisy had been very worried that she had developed a rash. So he always shaved, nearly every day. This new look gave her a sense of familiarity that she didn't like to have. Her legs felt slightly weak as she felt his eyes on her, but she gave the woman a smile.

"Just one more thing," she said, doing her best to ignore John. She crossed the counter and picked out a single yellow daisy, the one the little girl had been eyeing the whole time. She gave Anna a bright smile. "There you go. Take good care of it."

The little girl held the flower with care, exchanging an enchanted look with her mother.

"What do you say, Evie?"

"Thank you!" she said in a tiny but potent voice.

The mother shook her head in disbelief, but was clearly grateful at Anna. "Have a lovely weekend."

Anna smiled. "You too. Bye, Evie!"

The little girl waved her flower at Anna and with that they were gone. Daisy was outside, looking inside the shop in curiosity, but also maintaining a conversation with the delivery boy. Anna wiped her hands on her apron and gave John a small smile.

"This is a surprise," Anna commented, going back to stand behind the counter. "Did you come to buy some flowers?"

"You got me there," he seemed nervous, eyeing her up and down. "I was hoping to catch you here. That was a nice thing you did there, for the little girl."

Anna untied her apron and hung it behind her, on the wall. "Children don't need much to be happy. And she really wanted that daisy."

"You were always great with kids," John noted.

Anna nodded, not really sure of what he was getting at. They were always quite good with kids. They had had so many plans. She ran her fingers through her hair, wondering how she looked after a full day of work. She had been looking forward to getting home and snuggling in the couch with Byron to watch a film.

"I was wondering if we could talk," he said tentatively. "I, uh, need to get some of my boxes back."

The boxes, of course. Anna let out a sigh. "Yes, of course. You can get the boxes whenever you want. I'm just closing the shop in a bit."

"I don't want to mess with your plans," he said immediately. "I was around and thought I'd ask when was the best time for you. It's Friday, after all."

That meant nothing to her. It wasn't as if she had any plans. So she shook her head. "No, it's fine. Best to have it done now anyway." _As_ _soon_ _as_ _possible_. "Unless you have plans, of course."

"No, no," John said. "How's the shop going?"

"All right," she said, going inside the office and locking up after grabbing her coat. "You know it gets busier as Christmas gets nearer."

Daisy entered the shop now, bring the last flowers with her. The delivery boy was nowhere to be seen, and she was blushing. Anna gave her a teasing smile.

"Andy gone already, Daisy?" Anna asked her.

Daisy nodded. "Yeah, he's gone to the pub - asked me to go with 'im actually. I'll just lock up."

"No, no, you go. Enjoy your date," Anna insisted. "I'll lock up."

"Oh, thank you, Anna," Daisy beamed. "I can open the shop for you tomorrow."

"That's a deal," Anna smiled. She would never pass up the opportunity to sleep in. "Now shoo."

"Bye, Anna," Daisy said, looking from her to John, "and bye, Mr Bates."

"Goodbye, Daisy," John said. Anna was sure she would face many questions from the younger woman the next day. Daisy left without another world, nearly running in the direction of the pub in the end of the street. John looked amused. "Is she ever going to call me John?"

At that, Anna let out a laugh. "Probably not. Come on."

It had been done so many times before but it was so odd to be doing this with him around. She tried to not feel nervous - he was just going to get the boxes.

Not many words were spoken between them. They both had their cars so it was settled that John would follow her down to her place and they would deal with things there. The ride home gave her some peace and time to recover - to convince herself it would be okay. She didn't give herself any hope now. She doubted they would even talk much. Their last conversation felt too definitive and she hated how she hadn't recovered from it yet. But she didn't tell herself they would be okay now. It didn't matter that John looked a little better, or that his tone seemed lighter. He told her more than once that they were done, and after the last time - she believed it.

It started raining on the way there and Anna parked the car in front of the garage, John parking his beside hers. She promptly left the car and unlocked the garage's door, lifting it open. The boxes that John had left there were mostly filled with books and some personal items from his flat. She supposed he was living there again now, but she wasn't sure. There were quite a few of them - more than ten, definitely - neatly put together in the corner of the garage, next to a workbench her father once used. She wasn't sure if John would be able to take them all today, but maybe with a tight fit it would do.

He was standing by the entrance, careful not to get rained on.

"Here they are," Anna announced. "I can help you take them."

"No, it's fine. I can do it myself," John retorted.

"Nonsense. It takes half the time with two," she insisted, watching as he picked two boxes at once. She wouldn't be able to do that, but any help would be good in this rain.

She didn't think too much of what this meant - him taking his things from her place, all that he had left behind, at least physically so. It pained her to think of how great things had been before he left - how happy they were, the plans they had. It was hard to live without him - not just his love, but his friendship as well. The boxes were a reminder of what they used to be, of the future they once planned. But it would never be now.

By the time they finished, they were both quite soaked. Three rather big boxes didn't fit the car and he promised he would take them as soon as possible. Anna asked him to come in for a cup of tea and dry himself off a little. She took her bag from the car, along with a few grocery items she had bought this afternoon, and when her hands were full, he was the one who unlocked the front door for her.

It was good to be home, away from the rain. Byron greeted her enthusiastically, the dear dog, but this time he didn't pay much attention to John. She supposed he still hadn't forgiven John for the last time.

John took his coat off, and luckily for him he was quite dry. Anna hadn't had the same luck, as her jumper was soaked under the coat and she had to take that off as well. The shirt she wore underneath didn't provide much warmth and she changed the thermostat upon entering the living room. She told John to get comfortable and left with Byron to the kitchen, filling his bowl of food and putting the groceries in their rightful places.

When she got back to the living room, a few minutes later, John was standing exactly where he had been before, apparently too uncomfortable to sit anywhere.

"There are some things upstairs," Anna started, choosing to sit on the arm of the settee, turned towards him. He did sit down now, on his usual seat. "Some clothes, a few items of yours. I'll get around getting them together and I'll give them back to you."

She didn't mention the fact that his jumpers were still her favourites and how she had to wash at least one that she had worn the previous evening at home. John nodded.

"No hurry. I'm not really missing anything, besides some books," he said. "I think all the poetry is in those boxes."

Some things never did change. "Yes, I think so," she allowed herself to give him a smile. They could be civil, of course. It wasn't ideal, but it was better than to feel that awkward tension every time they spoke. "You look better."

He was surprised by her comment, she could see that, just from the way he stumbled upon his words. "Ah, yes, erm… That beard wasn't doing me any favours. Therapy has been helping too."

Now _that_ surprised her. So he was doing therapy. That was good.

"You look different," John noted. Anna looked up at him. "From before, that is. You've changed your hair."

"Oh, that was months ago. It'll be as long as before soon the way it goes," she said softly. She had a haircut not too long after that phone call, cut her hair around her shoulders. He had always loved her long hair. "It's not too bad, I hope."

"No, of course not," he quickly said, "it looks great."

She gave him a gentle smile in thanks. "I imagine you're finding things very different now."

John nodded. "Yes. But some things never change. And I suppose that's what scares me the most."

They were silent. Of course it wasn't easy. It couldn't be easy to go through ordinary life after what he had seen, she had always known that.

"You've changed," he noted. "I don't mean… Us. I mean you. You've changed."

"We have both changed a lot, John," Anna acquiesced, patiently. "More than we thought we would. More than we anticipated. We never thought it would be like this. And life here didn't stop when you left me."

"No, I know it didn't," he frowned, deep in thought. "I ran into Phyllis at the hospital today. She asked about you."

Her body froze. Surely that meant nothing.

"Did she?" Anna asked, trying not to look surprised. "I've always liked her. She was always very kind to me. At the parties."

"She asked if you were all recovered," he continued. "What happened? She said she saw you a few weeks ago and you were better."

He suspected something, he had to. Or perhaps it was just concern. But Dr Baxter wasn't just a gynecologist, she was also an obstetrician. She and John had always worked close together. It was possible that she didn't know they weren't together anymore. It was possible that the comment had simply slipped - John had been away when she went through the procedure, so no one was really there. No one but her and Dr Baxter.

"I'm fine," Anna told him. Mary's nagging voice echoed in her mind. He needed to know. He would find out sooner or later. Baxter couldn't say anything, technically, but he already knew something. "I… She treated me, months ago. She's been my doctor since then."

John seemed perplexed. In the spur of a second, she made her decision. And the words she had never uttered, not even to Mary, not even to herself, came out.

"I had a miscarriage," she said, averting her eyes from his. "About ten weeks after you left."

Her eyes welled up with tears, but she couldn't bear to look at him now. It felt too raw - as if it had all happened the day before. The cramps, the blood, Mary rushing her to the hospital, then all the medication, all the needles, the pain. It wasn't to be, Dr Baxter had told her. It happened to most women, especially on the first pregnancy. Mary told her that the timing had been off. They all seemed to remind her that she would have another chance at this.

"Anna-"

As his voice, she looked up. He was frowning - as if he was in pain. His eyes were full of questions.

"I didn't tell you before because- I found out about a month after you left," Anna explained, trying to keep the tears at bay - and failing. "I was so happy. When I went to the doctor and they told me the due date, I figured you had left this as your parting gift," she let out an incredulous laugh. "But you were so distant already. I didn't want to tell you until it was completely safe. Everything was going well, the… The baby was healthy."

"That day, when we talked-" John started speaking, but Anna shook her head. No, he wouldn't get to blame this on himself, not now. In the end, it hadn't been about him. It had been about her.

"I was still pregnant," Anna sniffed. "It happened a few days later. Phyllis insisted they ran some tests- I didn't want to know the sex, but I… I think it was a boy."

She sobbed quietly, trying to control herself. She had never told anyone of this before. Her nagging thoughts, her sleepless nights - she had never felt comfortable discussing this with anyone before, no one but John. It was a pregnancy no one really knew of. Only she knew of it. She was the only one who would imagine their baby, who would look at baby shops and think of clothes to buy and furniture to settle. She was the only one who talked to the baby when she was alone, the only one who had envisioned a life like that. No one understood her grief - the grief of the end of a relationship and the loss of a child. The loss of the possibility of a child, all the same.

Before she knew it, his arms were encircling her frame, and he was holding her - willingly for the first time in almost a year. And Anna cried louder, feeling a comfort she had never felt since she lost the baby. She cried into his shoulder, and she thought she heard a sob as well.

"I should have been here," he mumbled against her ear.

Anna shook her head, the tears still falling. "It wouldn't have made a difference. I… My cervix, it's not strong enough. I'd have never been able to carry that baby, I-"

"I should have been here," he interrupted her, "for you," he continued. Anna's hands hugged him more fiercely. There was hardly any space between their bodies. "I'm sorry, Anna. I was a fool, I- you shouldn't have had to go through this alone."

She rested her cheek on his shoulder. "I'm sorry I never told you."

He shook his head against her, but they didn't speak for some time. For now, holding each other was enough.

For now.

* * *

She told him everything - from finding out she was pregnant to the D&C. She never told anyone, he could tell that. The only person she mentioned knowing was Mary, to an extent. She had needed someone with her to drive her home. It was lucky that she had felt bad when Mary had stopped for a visit one night. He didn't like to think of what might have happened if Anna were alone.

It was all his fault. A few weeks into the mission he was worried and stressed and overworked. He hadn't given her the attention she needed, and asking for some time off seemed like the only option for them at that moment. The memories were hazy. He didn't regret going, but he regretted leaving - two sides of the same coin. He would have never gone if he knew Anna would get pregnant, if the future would give them this. To think of Anna dealing with the loss of their child alone… It killed him.

They had some tea, which had been forgotten for a while, and they were now sitting together, his arm resting on her Anna's shoulders. She was sitting on her knees, feet tucked in beneath her, and the warmth radiating from her body was more comforting than anything.

He hated himself for the way he had changed things, even without knowing them. He couldn't blame Anna for not telling him before - had he been around, he was sure they would have celebrated and grieved together.

"Please stop brooding," Anna said, eyeing him as she rested her teacup on the coffee table. "You couldn't have known. Neither of us could."

"But I could," John shook his head. "Maybe if I was here, it could have been prevented. I'm a doctor. I'd have seen the signs. You'd have been under less stress-"

"Please stop it," her eyes were pleading. "It won't do us any good."

She was right of course.

"It wasn't ideal," she took a deep breath. "Our relationship was… strained, I was here alone. Not that I would have regretted it."

He smiled gently at her. "You'll be a great mother one day."

But Anna didn't meet his eye, merely shrugging. "I just hope that I have a chance in the future."

He was silent. Anna looked back at him. "When will you stop pretending," she started, slowly, "that we're better off without each other?"

His mouth felt dry. Anna was never one to not say her thoughts. It was one of the things he had always loved about her.

"I don't mean to speak out of turn. If you don't love me anymore, then I'll understand," she continued, her eyes brimming with tears again. "But I think you still love me. Why deny us of being together when that always made us so happy?"

John smirked, feeling a little uncomfortable. "You were always the smartest out of the two of us," Anna gave him a weak smile. "I do love you. So very much."

"Then _stay_ ," she reached for his hand. "Please. We can work things out, we can help each other."

He looked down at their intertwined fingers. Her hand was so much smaller than his, but they still fit perfectly. He gave her a gentle squeeze. He shouldn't. He could hurt her. And he didn't want to think of what she would think of his actions when he was away. The things he saw. The things he did. And especially the things he didn't do. They plagued him, they shadowed every happy aspect of his life.

But when he looked at her, he saw no shadows. Only light.

He found himself nodding.

"I have nightmares," he told her, one last effort. "I don't sleep at all sometimes. I could… Hurt you."

"You hurt me more by not being here," she said immediately, standing up. "Come on. One step at a time. We can make this work."

In that moment, he believed her. He let her guide him upstairs, to the bedroom he knew so well. He remembered all the nights - and days - spent here, in this bed, making love, holding each other, simply talking. She asked nothing of him - they had both had an emotional day. He found a pair of striped pajamas, the ones that were his favourites, neatly folded in the part of the wardrobe that had been his - still was his. He went to bed before Anna, and when she showed up, a few minutes later, clad in those pink pajamas covered in bears that he used to make fun of, he let himself smile.

And she gave him a kiss on the cheek - unexpected, and filled with longing. He didn't trust himself with anything more, and she seemed to understand it. Instead, she settled against him, the familiarity that had been forgotten quickly restored. Her head was on his shoulder and her arm was against his middle, holding him.

"I always knew you'd be changed, when you came back," she said softly, her voice vibrating against his neck. "I was always prepared for that. So please don't blame yourself for the ways things have been."

John took a deep breath. "Thank you."

She turned her head, her eyes still so bright in the darkness of the room. "What for?"

"For giving me a second chance."

He could tell she was smiling. "For making you accept a chance, you mean. And you're welcome."

They were silent after that.

It was the best night of sleep he had ever since coming back.

* * *

 _Next chapter: Life is changing for Anna and John, or maybe it's just getting back to what it once was. Meanwhile, we catch a glimpse of more than one first kiss._


	4. Here With Me

_A/N: We're nearing the end and there's still a lot to happen - starting here! I've been a bit busy and haven't had time to properly reply to reviews, but please know that I'll get to that very soon, and that I love each and every one of them! The final chapter is on the works and hopefully I'll get to post it very soon - so long as I get the proper encouragement (hint, hint). Thanks so much for everyone who's been reading and reviewing! Hope you'll enjoy this chapter - the longest so far. Let me know what you think!_

* * *

 _Chapter 4: Here With Me_

 _Present Day_

It was too clear - he wasn't used to such light, not in the morning. The curtains of the flat prevented any morning light from coming in. He was usually up before the sun anyway. This was an unusual setting for him. He opened his eyes.

The first thing that he saw was blonde hair. It smelled somewhat peachy. It felt amazing. Anna's bedroom in the cottage was always a very light room, especially in the morning. John blinked, finally coming to his senses. He had spent the night with Anna. She was still fast asleep - he could tell by her slow, even breathing. His front pressed to her back, his arms around her waist. They had always slept close together in the past. It wouldn't have been different now.

It was quiet. The bedroom was just like it had been before. The creamy green walls, Anna's pink robe hanging against the back of the door, the painting of Notre Dame above the bed, one that he had bought her when he went to a conference in Paris. She had been reading a book, a mystery - the second one of Robert Galbraith - and her reading glasses rested on top of it, along with her phone. On its side, a photograph of them both, a very simple one, taken by herself on an autumn day sitting by the porch. She looked happy. He was smiling too, but looking at her.

John slowly pulled his arms away, careful not to wake her. He lay on his back, taking a deep breath. He recalled the night before. He hadn't had a nightmare. Nothing. He wasn't sweaty and he felt well rested. Anna moved beside him, lying on her stomach and hugging the pillow close. She had always enjoyed her mornings - clearly that didn't change.

Perhaps it was just a coincidence, but perhaps it wasn't. But apparently lying with Anna was a better medicine than any sleeping pill he had taken over the last few weeks.

He decided to get up. He managed to leave the room and close the door without any problems, with Anna barely moving in bed. He suspected she had needed a good night of sleep as well. After a quick trip to the bathroom, he moved down the stairs and into the kitchen, hoping to make them some breakfast - and hoping he wasn't taking too many liberties. Being here simply felt like home.

Like the previous evening, Byron didn't pay him much attention, merely following him into the kitchen and scratching the back door a few times. When John did open the door, the dog nearly flew out, and even John shivered a little at the chilly winter air.

He set about making them some breakfast. He knew how much Anna liked her morning tea and she had always enjoyed his breakfasts. She often stayed in on Saturdays, if he wasn't working, and Daisy would take care of the shop for her. He wasn't sure how much of a common occurrence that was nowadays, but he hoped it meant a good thing.

Before long, Byron returned, and John closed the door. The dog sat on the floor right in front of it, chewing on a toy. John arched his eyebrows at him just as he took some eggs from the fridge.

"I know you don't like me much right now," he said, though he wasn't sure why. "But I don't want her hurt just as much as you. And I'll try to make it up to her."

The dog's tail moved, and he looked at John, as if he was judging him.

"I know I was a jerk," John continued. "I'm not sure how I'll win her back, but I… I need her. And I think she needs me too."

He broke the eggs and dropped them into a bowl.

"We used to get on well, remember?" John looked sideways at the dog. "You chewed on all my shoes. All of them. I didn't even complain too much to Anna. Just a bit."

"And I had to buy you two pairs of shoes for Christmas last year, to make it up for you," Anna's voice startled him, and he turned around to see her on the doorway. Her eyes were sleepy but the smile was there. She looked at Byron. "I'm glad you outgrew that. You were insufferable."

The dog barked happily at her, and Anna shook her head. John wasn't sure how much of his conversation with the dog was heard, so he remained silent. Anna stood by the counter and yawned. She was still wearing the pink pajamas.

"I thought you had left already," she commented. He felt her eyes on him at his every move. "This is a surprise."

He eyed her. "I hope you don't mind."

"No, not at all. On the contrary. I've always loved your breakfast," she quickly said. He turned on the oven while mixing up the eggs. Anna had a soft smile on her face. Just as he was about to ask her what was on her mind, she spoke. "Do you remember the first time you spent the night?"

John nodded, a faint blush creeping into his cheeks. Her invitation had been tentative and they had tried to go slow for the first time, but they failed miserably. Anna had assured him she had thoroughly enjoyed the experience - and he made love to her again in the early morning hours. "Of course."

"Your scrambled eggs ended up like an omelette," she laughed. "And you burned it a little. Kept apologizing and telling me you did know how to make breakfast."

"That's what you remember?" John asked her jokingly, and Anna laughed. "I did prove it to you many times later."

"You did," she agreed. "You were adorably nervous that morning."

"I didn't want to disappoint you," he admitted, earning a compassionate look from her. "And I wouldn't have, if you hadn't come down here wearing nothing but my shirt."

"Excuse me," she said indignantly, surprised at his teasing. "I had my knickers on, I remember that!"

"Yes," he acquiesced, pointing his finger playfully at her. "But you missed four buttons on top. I was distracted, of course."

Anna giggled, and he laughed too. He couldn't remember the last time he had felt more alive. He continued working on the eggs. Anna was silent for a moment.

"I don't remember just that, you know," she said at last. "I remember everything."

"Even me stumbling on my trousers?" he asked her lightly.

Anna giggled. "Yes, even that. We had a great time. We always did."

He gave her a lopsided smile. "I should hope."

But she shook her head. "No worries in that department, I assure you," she laughed again. "I've missed this."

"What?"

"Laughing. With you," she revealed, and he felt a pang of guilt run through him.

"I miss everything we used to do," he said. She was awfully close to him.

The kettle announced that tea was ready, and Anna sobered up, taking up the task of preparing them tea.

Breakfast was shared easily, without hurry, sitting across from each other at the little table. They would have say side by side in the past. But it was no less enjoyable. They were both quite hungry, having skipped a proper dinner the day before, and they devoured the eggs and toast - there was nothing burned at all - heartily.

Anna texted Daisy and said she wouldn't go to the shop today - it was quite late already, she reasoned, and it made no sense to go there and just stay for a couple of hours. The next few Saturdays were booked with weddings, she told him, and she would make good use of a day off.

He enjoyed hearing of her work and of her day, without having to share much about him. Anna seemed to understand that. But he knew he would have to tell her eventually, of everything. He couldn't keep anything away from her, not now, not anymore, even if it hurt him to say it - even if it would hurt her to hear it. He needed some thinking to do.

He left after breakfast, and she understood it. He asked her if she'd like to have dinner the following day, and she had accepted it promptly. He had to make an effort - he had to prove to her and to himself that he earned the right to get his life back. To have her back again.

They parted with a hug and nothing more than a promise to meet up. His car was filled with boxes and for some reason this saddened him.

He had come here yesterday with nothing, but he was leaving with his heart full and beating.

And it was more than he could have said in many, many months.

* * *

They met up for dinner the next day, and several times during that week. His knee was almost fully healed now. His mind - that was another matter. January was coming fast and so was the end of his leave - he would have to return to work soon. But not until he was deemed healthy in all areas.

He saw improvement, after so many weeks of therapy. He was becoming eager to go back to work, tired of sitting home doing nothing all day. He tried to distract himself with books and TV shows - Anna had mentioned a few that he hadn't heard of - but Dr Coleman had suggested outings, meeting people. John had never been the most social person in a room and he wasn't especially keen on having people ask him of his time away. He saw curiosity and pity in their eyes. Compassion sometimes. But no one understood, not really.

"You can't go back to work if you don't like being around people," Dr Coleman commented as a session ended.

"I was never a social butterfly," John said, only slightly sarcastic. But he sighed. "Africa didn't make me shy. I prefer quiet outings. With less people."

"Have you talked to Anna?" Dr Coleman asked, looking up from his position behind the desk now.

"It hasn't come up," John said dismissively.

But as he left the hospital, the words rang with him. He knew that he would have to tell Anna everything. Deep down, they still had unfinished business to discuss. He wanted to make it work - he wasn't sure why she had given him a second chance, but he couldn't simply throw it away. But it was easier said than done. Christmas was just around the corner, and even though they had been seeing each other frequently, their relationship hadn't truly progressed.

He was afraid - that he could admit. He was afraid of letting them become more again, of being in her life again. When he was with her, he almost forgot everything he went through.

Almost.

Some things he did not wish to forget.

* * *

 _April_ _2013_

It was a lovely evening and he didn't want it to end. He couldn't remember the last time he had had such a good time before. He and Anna had had fun, and it just seemed like they clicked. They shared many of the same opinions and both had enough interests in common to keep the conversation going. When he insisted to pay the bill and she suggested a walk on the beach, he absolutely couldn't say no.

She was wearing a black dress with a frilly skirt that reached her mid-thighs that matched her personality wonderfully. Their shoes were hardly appropriate for the sand, so they stuck to the sidewalk, walking side by side, hands occasionally brushing but never properly touching. When she shivered from the chilly wind, he offered her his suit jacket, and she took it - it looked awfully big on her, but adorable as well.

"I could stay hours watching the sea," she commented. "I'm so used to it, I'd miss it terribly if I moved away."

"You've always lived here, then?" John asked.

"Nearly all my life," she replied. "My parents moved here when I was around 5. I don't really remember living anywhere else," she let out a laugh. "My sister and I would beg Dad to stop driving and let us put our feet in the water, even if it was freezing outside. We nearly always regretted it."

He laughed. "Believe it or not, I've been living here for a couple of years and have yet to do that."

Anna stopped walking. "No. You're serious?" he nodded, and she was very much surprised. "We've got to remedy that."

She leaned down and took off her heels. John frowned. "Now?"

But she only laughed. "If not now, then when? Come on. Let's make this date memorable," she joked, stepping out of the sidewalk and into the beach.

He followed suit, though he wasn't sure why. There was something in her eyes and her smile - he had to try it, anyway, and better do it with her than by himself. So he took his shoes off, pulled his jeans up a little and took the hand she was offering. She was carrying her shoes with her other hand, and he did the same with his. It was chilly but pleasant. The late hour meant that not many people were at the beach.

"The water will be cold," she warned him as they got closer. Her hand had yet to leave his. "It always is."

And it was, but not too cold, even if Anna hissed when it touched their feet. His big hand engulfed hers and her feet were small as she stepped into the water, trying to get used to the cold. They were so different. She was so much younger - beautiful. The beach made for a calming, relaxing setting. She was smiling up at him, the lack of heels indicating how much shorter she was.

"It's not too bad, is it?" Anna said. "You can't live in Scarborough and not having done that."

The sea touched their feet again. John nodded. "It's nice. Certainly memorable. Not that the date wouldn't have been."

Her smile got brighter. "Well, I'm glad of that. I usually hate blind dates and almost didn't come. I'm very glad that I did."

John chuckled. "I hope I didn't disappoint you."

"No, of course not," she quickly said. "On the contrary."

He squeezed her hand softly, and she stepped a little closer. "We could, ah, do it again sometime. If you'd like."

"I'd very much like that," her thumb stroked the back of his hand.

He leaned down slowly. Their eyes were on each other until hers closed. Their lips met in a slow, soft kiss - the only thing linking them together besides their hands. She gave a little sigh and deepened the kiss every so slightly - she tasted of the chocolate pudding she had ordered for dessert, and it was amazing. They pulled away. Her eyes opened slowly.

"I was wondering if you were gonna do that," she said with mischievous eyes, "or if I would have to make the first move."

John let out a chuckle. "I hope you don't find me too cheeky."

"No," she assured him, then rolled her eyes. "I may need you to remind me of how it is, actually. Just so I don't forget."

He laughed and kissed her again - she didn't have to ask twice.

* * *

 _Present_ _Day_

December arrived, and John found himself strolling by the beach on the first evening. Anna was distractedly eating popcorn beside him. It was getting dark and colder, but there was no snow and they were both bundled up. The little fair would close soon, now in winter, and she had asked him to come with her. She had always loved these things - the Ferris wheel and the games and the prizes. Last year, he had won her a rather big bear. He wondered if she still had it.

"Penny for your thoughts," she said after a moment.

"They aren't worth half that much," he jokingly said, but she threw him a look, offering him some popcorn. He took some - it was her third time offering. It tasted like caramel, and he rather liked it.

"Don't be so grumpy," Anna said goodnaturedly. "Who knows when we'll have a clear night such as this one again."

He pointed to the distance. "There are some clouds gathering up right there."

At this, she chuckled. "Spoilsport. Let's sit down."

They sat on a nearby bench, away from the fair but not too much. They could still hear the people talking and laughing but it was more private here. They could hear the waves hitting the shore behind them, and Anna sat close next to him. Just the way he liked it. She offered him popcorn again.

"Are you trying to fatten me up?" John asked.

Anna narrowed her eyes. "Maybe," she said, but giggled. "You could use a few more pounds, you know. You lost quite a bit of weight when you were away."

"Yeah, I know."

"But you look great," she continued, between mouthfuls of popcorn. "I'm just full after the fish and chips."

"And the cotton candy," John teased her.

"Yes, that too," Anna admitted. She had always had a sweet tooth and rarely tried to pretend she didn't. He rested his arm on the back of the bench behind her, watching the passers by. She eventually put the popcorn aside and rested her head on his shoulder. "This is nice."

He reached to tuck a strand of hair behind her ear. "It is."

They were quiet for a moment, just enjoying each other's company. But even with her his thoughts drifted elsewhere, far from there. It would be so easy to get on with life with the way it was before - he remembered so vividly enjoying the fair, playing the games, laughing, drinking. It wasn't that he didn't feel pleasure in doing these things anymore; he did. But it felt unfair to feel all these things when he had seen and felt so much misery not that long ago.

"What are you really thinking?" Anna's voice was quiet.

He could have replied that he was thinking of how ugly were the boots the woman who had just passed by then was wearing, or that the fair hadn't changed at all. But he didn't.

"Just… Life," was his reply. "How different it is now."

She pulled away from his shoulder, their eyes meeting. "I thought you'd enjoy the fair."

"I did. I do," he assured her, taking a deep breath. "It's just… Difficult. To come back and see things being the same. When so much happened when I was in Africa."

"Everything's the same, but it's not, not really," Anna said. "You're different. So your perspective is different."

John smiled. "Quite right," he sighed. "It's hard to enjoy things when there's so much happening in other parts of the world. You get a bit… Without a proper direction in life."

Anna was silent, merely nodding in his direction. He was glad of it - she didn't pretend she understood him. It was better this way. So he found himself speaking.

"There were bombings all the time," he started. "All day. All night. We learned to live with that, but we were understaffed. That's why we barely spoke. I was at the hospital most of the time. The women and the children - you wouldn't believe the cases we saw every day. I thought we would be safe. We treated everyone. On the day of that phone call, I was in a camp, for vaccinating."

At this, she nodded. "Yes, I do remember that."

"They didn't care who we were. We don't take sides, but it didn't matter," John continued. The memories were hard to suppress. "That changed everything. That they would attack people who were already in need of medical support - it's not human.

"We couldn't save half of them. There was a little boy who begged me. He couldn't have been more than six years old. He begged me to save him," tears stung against his eyes, but he held himself. It was dark now and not many people on the street. He was glad of that. But he couldn't look at Anna. Not now. "What world is this, where a six year old needs to beg for his life? And I couldn't… I didn't save him."

Anna took hold of his hand. "Oh, John."

"I felt powerless. There was nothing I could do. In so many situations," he shook his head. "I'm sorry I was never honest with you during our calls. Especially the last one. It killed me to… It killed me to see you cry."

He looked at her now. Anna had always been a compassionate person. He had never felt it was right to share with her the things he saw, the people he treated. She had too much of a delicate nature for that, and he didn't wish to cause her any pain.

"I'm stronger than I look," she said. Her eyes were glassy with unshed tears. It was as if she knew exactly what he was thinking. "You couldn't have been thinking clearly."

"But I was," he insisted. "I didn't want you to know that I felt like a failure. That I didn't feel like I was helping out. At that point, I didn't think I would return. Not really - not after the attacks and the kidnapping. Things were completely out of control. And when the hospital was attacked-"

His breath caught in his throat and he squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't know what was worse - what he did remember, or what he couldn't. Anna's hand gripped his tighter, her other hand coming to engulf his hand as well. He took a deep breath.

"I dream about it all the time. It was such a normal day. I had delivered two babies," he saw a weak smile on Anna's face. "The planes got closer. I tried to run to protect the children. But I couldn't. And it kept happening for what seemed like hours. My knee was hit - I couldn't walk," he explained, sniffing slightly. "William, this young doctor, he managed to perform a quick surgery. I was losing too much blood. It was… Insane. He saved my life," John looked at Anna. "He saved me, and he went to help other people. And he died that day - if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be here now."

Before he knew it, she pulled him into a hug. Her arms were comforting and he felt a kiss on his neck - a sweet, loving kiss - and he thought he felt tears against his skin. Their coats were in the way but as he breathed in her scent and took notice of the reality he was in now, finally, the tears escaped him. He was here now. He had survived, and life didn't stop for anyone. He didn't dwell on that anymore. But it didn't get easier.

They were there, still, for quite a few minutes before he pulled away. He had already done his share of crying - it was the burden of sharing that made things difficult. Anna's cheeks were smeared by tears and he wiped them softly.

"I'll be forever grateful for William," she spoke. It felt foreign to hear his name here. "He gave me you back. And I know it's easier said than done but… You're here now. We're both so lucky to be here."

"I know that," John said. "I'm grateful too. But it's not… I can't simply go back to who I was before."

Anna shook her head. "You can't. And neither can I," she took a deep breath. "But that's life, isn't it? And we're here now," she laced their fingers together again. "We hear those birds every morning in Spring against the bedroom window and you always find them so annoying. And we would take ocean dips during Summer. I would complain that the water is too cold. There are red poppies everywhere in November and you would come home so happy after one of the children in the hospital was discharged. Remember that?"

John smiled, nodding. His free hand rested on her cheek. "I do remember that."

"We're lucky, and we should be grateful," she continued. "Some things will never change. All of that will never change. And we shouldn't change the way we see them. Remember of all those people you helped - all those babies you delivered. You gave them life when no one else could."

She sounded so certain - almost proud. John took a deep breath. "You amaze me."

This perplexed her, and she frowned. "Why?"

"Your ability to see the best in every situation," he told her softly. "To be hopeful no matter what."

"I'm just being realistic," she mumbled. "Life doesn't stop there, I know. But it doesn't stop here either, and… People need you. Your patients, your friends. I need you."

John nodded. Perhaps her hope would reach him - he felt lighter for sharing some of his time there with her. She was right. Life didn't stop and he shouldn't stop either. He needed to come to terms with the life that awaited for him now - a changed life, yet exactly the same. But they were different. Anna was different too. And he suddenly understood that.

He wasn't sure who kissed each other first but perhaps it had been both of them. Their mouths opened instantly and he tasted caramel on her tongue. Her kiss was soft, yet desperate. She was clinging to him. He didn't know how he had gone so long without kissing her like this. He didn't know how he had survived without it. It was so unlike their first real kiss, all those years ago. It felt just as new.

They pulled away to breathe, but she kissed him again, gentle pecks against his lips. He pulled her close. They were still very much in public.

"I missed this so much," she said, closing her eyes as the kisses ceased and she nuzzled her nose against his neck. "I was wondering if you would ever kiss me again, you know."

"Better late than never," he said, "and I missed this too. So much."

The waves hit the shore again and they smiled. He took her hands.

"Let's go back to the fair," he said tentatively. "Enjoy it while it lasts."

She beamed at him and agreed.

They went to the Ferris wheel, much to Anna's delight. This time, he laughed out loud with her. And as the wheel came to a stop right as they were on top, and he breathed in the salty air and saw Anna looking down the city below them - her eyes shining with hope and love - he realised that if there had been a reason why he had survived, she was just it.

He felt his mind healing when he kissed her again.

* * *

Anna listened to Mary's rambling silently; her friend was quite indignant at her fiancé, because of a party Mary now had to attend. Anna loved Mary to bits, having known her since their early university days, but she knew how her friend didn't like being out of her depth, especially when she had to do something she didn't wish to do. As it was, this was so important that Mary felt the need to vent about it to Anna at the shop, while Anna worked on the computer.

"Talk to him," Anna suggested tentatively, looking up from the computer. Mary looked at her as if she had grown an extra head. "I mean, tell him why you don't want to go."

"I doubt he'll take 'I find your law friends boring' well as an excuse," Mary rolled her eyes. "They are terribly middle class, you know."

At this, Anna chuckled. "Why, thank you. I'm really not offended."

Mary leaned back on her chair, across from Anna's desk, and let out a loud sigh. "I'll have to go, won't I?"

Anna pursed her lips. "I'm afraid so. But I don't think middle class is contagious, so don't worry."

Mary arched her eyebrows. "Mind your cheek. I take it you and John are fine, then?"

"We're… getting there. I think," Anna chose to answer. Things were going well. Slowly, but well.

"You're not wearing the ring," Mary noted.

Anna frowned. "The ring is not important. Not anymore. We… Need to give it some time."

"If you say so," Mary said, standing up. "I'll get going. Need some Christmas shopping to do still. Have you bought all the presents already?"

Anna nodded. "Yeah. I don't really have many people to buy presents for, so that was quite easy."

Mary huffed. "Lucky you," she started to put on her coat. "This reminds me. You know you're welcome to join us for Christmas."

Of course. There was Christmas to consider. Anna had no idea of how that would go. She and John usually spent Christmas together - he didn't have any close family nearby, and Anna's sister was currently living in New York, where she worked as a photographer - Anna doubted she would come home for Christmas. Ever since their parents died, it seemed hard for both of them to properly enjoy Christmas together. Maybe in the future, when they had their families, that would be different.

And she and John hadn't really discussed it. She assumed he would like to spend Christmas with her. Thankfully, she was saved from replying when none other than John appeared in the doorway, gently knocking. Anna smiled at him, and stood up.

"I hope I'm not interrupting," he said. Mary gave him a smile and a peck on the cheek.

"Not at all, I was on my way out," Mary said, looking at Anna again. "We were just discussing Christmas. I'm sure Papa has already invited you to our little party."

"He has, indeed," John said, smiling politely. "I told him I'd discuss it with Anna."

There it was - the ball was in her court. Anna could tell that just by the way his eyes were questioning, just as much as Mary's. She didn't truly fancy an evening with the Crawley family, as lovely as they all were - too many people, and she rather liked spending Christmas with John and Byron only. It would be something to celebrate. It would be intimate.

"Actually," Anna started, looking from John to Mary, "Elise may be coming over this year."

Mary spoke first. "Well, if she doesn't, I hope you'll come to us. I better get going now. I'll call you later, Anna," she smiled. "Always good to see you, John."

"Likewise, Mary," John said, and they watched as she left the shop. Daisy was busy, talking on the phone. John arched his eyebrows at Anna. "Is Elise really coming?"

"No," Anna cringed slightly, walking towards him. "She's spending Christmas with her new boyfriend. He's from Chicago," she explained. "I'm a terrible liar, aren't I? You could see right through me."

He always could. But John shook his head, and took her hands in his. "I was hoping you'd turn her down. You know I'd rather spend Christmas with you."

Anna couldn't resist smiling. "I was hoping you'd say that," she stood on her tiptoes and gave him a soft, slow kiss. It still ended too soon. But he was smiling - he looked happy. "Nice of you to stop by."

"I was on my way to the flat," he explained, "from the hospital. I've got some news."

Now that made her curious. She pulled away slightly, her hands now resting on the back of his neck. "Oh, what is it, then?"

"I'm fit to work," John announced. "I go back on the first week of January. Just for the clinic, but it's a start."

Anna let out a squeal and hugged him - she couldn't help herself. She had faith that he would be able to go back sooner rather than later - she had a feeling that working and having a proper occupation would be quite good for him.

"That's great, love," she kissed his lips again, sharing his laughter. "Congratulations."

His hands on her waist brought her flush against him, and they shared another kiss. It was amazing how some habits came back so quickly - the terms of endearment, the conversations, the kisses - however tentative they might be.

"We need to celebrate," she mumbled, but John only nodded as she resumed kissing him.

She gave him a peck, and he did the same to her. Their eyes locked for a moment and they both smiled - and kissed again. Deeper, slower. It was probably to do with the joy that was being able to go back to work but - he didn't stop kissing her. And she didn't stop kissing him. His hands ran over her back and brought her closer.

"Anna, I- oh, I'm sorry!" Daisy's voice startled them, and they both pulled away, looking flustered. The mortified look on Daisy's face was enough to make her blush.

"Uhm, that's okay, Daisy," Anna managed to say, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. John stepped back a little. "What is it?"

"The order has just arrived," Daisy mumbled, and her eyes seemed to look everywhere but at John. "And Mrs Alcott is on the phone, about that wedding."

"Right, I'll be right there," Anna said, and Daisy disappeared back into the shop. Anna's eyes met John's, and they shared a laugh.

"I'll get going," he said. "You're busy. I won't keep you any longer."

"Will you call me later?"

"Of course," he assured her, giving her one more kiss on her cheek. He lingered just for a moment, and his eyes were still on her as he left the little office.

* * *

Anna let out a wistful sigh and ran her hands through her hair, trying to make it look a little more presentable. She had a long afternoon ahead, and in the evening, she had to plan Christmas. Properly.

Some things never did change, in the end. They cooked Christmas dinner together, in the cottage, with Byron's watchful eye on them - though he had been distracted for the most part, with his own Christmas presents to play with. Anna liked that the dog seemed a little more taken with John now - surely it wouldn't take long until they became best friends again.

They had opted for something simple, much like they had in the past; John prepared the turkey and stuffing (his mother's recipe) and Anna did the Christmas pudding as well as the potatoes and the cranberry sauce. Anna was surprised that John did their party hats - simple paper ones, and she took her paper pink crown gracefully. He had never been one to love Christmas but she liked the effort he was making today. And she thought he looked rather adorable wearing a green crown.

They cleared up the table, but decided to leave the dishes for later, and Anna's stomach was thoroughly full that she declined eggnog. She sat back on the couch, letting out a content sigh as John walked to the little tree she had got together a few weeks ago. It was a small, fake one, but most of the ornaments were bright and colourful - she had bought them last year, for their little Christmas celebration. She had pretended not to notice the two gifts John had sneaked under the tree when he arrived that day.

"I don't think I can move anymore," she commented.

John laughed. "Not even for presents?"

Anna arched her eyebrows in excitement. "Just for presents."

The year before, they had exchanged presents early in the morning - she remembered it with such fondness. John had been very lazy about it all, and he had given her a lovely golden heart shaped necklace - one that she was wearing right now. They went back to bed afterwards.

Anna stood up, joining John by the tree, quickly picking out his gifts and handing them over, a little embarrassed. Buying a present for him this year had been more difficult than the previous years, but she hoped he would like it. He appeared just as fluttered as he gave her two gifts as well.

"You first," she was quick to say, but John shook his head.

"No, I know you're curious," he said, obviously amused at her. She sat back on the couch, eyeing both her presents. "You go first, and then I'll go."

"Oh, all right then," Anna acquiesced, and John was still chuckling as he took a seat next to her.

She eyed the biggest package, a rectangular one, and took that first. She unceremoniously tore the package open. It was a book - the newest one by Robert Galbraith. Anna let out a squeal.

"How did you know?" she asked him as she tore the rest of the wrapping paper off.

"It was on your nightstand the other day. I figured you'd want the sequel," he shrugged. Leave it to John to be so observant. "I know how much you like a good mystery."

"That I do," she said with a smile, her fingertips tracing the title of the book. "Thank you."

John just smiled. "You have another present."

"Right," Anna said, moving the book aside and focusing on the smaller, square package. "You're spoiling me."

John appeared a little nervous. "I had no idea what to get you this year," he admitted, "but I figured you deserve to be spoiled."

She merely shot him a glance, slowly unwrapping the package. This one had been more neatly done, she noticed, and a jewelry box was revealed when it was completely unwrapped. It was a little slim box, and she opened it with care. Inside there was a pair of golden earrings - small, delicate ones. She loved it. They would go well with the necklace. And with the ring she kept in her drawer upstairs - but she couldn't wear it anymore.

"You really shouldn't have," she mumbled, taking one of the earrings from the box. She blinked, keeping the tears at bay. "Thank you."

She kissed his cheek in thanks, and John was blushing slightly when she pulled away. She urged him to open his presents as well - a Pablo Neruda book she knew he didn't have (it seemed that they had even set on exchanging books for presents, but what a lovely coincidence that was) and a new watch for him. His old one, given to him by his mother, stopped working in Africa. Anna didn't ask him for details when he mentioned it, but she knew it must have been irreparable for him not bring it back home. He had been surprised by her gift, as his voice broke when he took the watch out of the box, and he put it on with pride. It looked great on him.

He insisted that she should try the earrings on, and she gladly did so - she knew she must have looked a picture in bright pink paper crown and the lovely earrings, but John only said she looked precious she asked him to take a picture of them - one more Christmas together. Their third one so far, the third one of the many more, she hoped.

"That's lovely," Anna said as she looked at the selfie John took with her phone. "I'll need a new portrait for it. To go with the others."

One might think that spending Christmas like this was lonely, but it was quite the opposite for her. She had spoken to her sister in the morning to wish her a happy Christmas - and she had been chastised for waking her up, but Anna kept forgetting about their time difference. Elise asked her to wish a happy Christmas to John as well and that seemed enough. It was quiet and small, but it was far from lonely. With John, Anna felt as if the world was with her.

"Do you think Mary will know we lied?" John asked as Anna settled her head against his shoulder.

Anna snickered. "I'm sure she will. Elise must be posting all about Chicago on her Facebook and I'm pretty sure Mary is friends with her."

"That will be the second time we escaped a big Christmas," John laughed. "They won't be inviting us any longer."

"Well, we did spend that first Christmas with them," Anna mentioned. She rested her hand on John's knee. "But then there was that fight between Richard and Matthew, and you ended up having to be a doctor on a holiday."

"And then Mary was devastated," John recounted, "and we were so exhausted when we got home that we slept straightaway."

Anna let out a laugh. "Things are much more peaceful nowadays, I'm sure."

"It wasn't that bad," John said. "I mean, it was a little bit. But we were together. I remember wondering why the bloody hell someone like you would be with someone like me."

Anna frowned, pulling away to look at his face. "Someone like me?"

John shrugged. "You were- you _are_ much younger. Much more beautiful," he sighed, but smiled. "Way out of my league."

She slapped his leg playfully. "You silly beggar. And I was there wondering how such a simpleton like me could get such a handsome and caring doctor," she shook her head. "We're not out of our own leagues. I think we're perfect."

John nodded. "Well, you did a good job of convincing me after those first months."

"Did I?" Anna laughed. She brushed her foot against his. "I seem to have to do that a lot with you. I hope you don't need any more convincing."

He pretended to think about it. He had a mischievous look on his face - one she hadn't seen in a long time. "I may need a little bit."

She giggled, settling closer to him. "You're insufferable."

She closed her eyes slowly, savouring the taste of his lips on hers. She caressed the skin of his neck softly, bringing him closer, and his hands settled nicely on her waist. Together, they panted and kissed and nibbled, and she didn't think she would get enough of him anytime soon. She moved over him, straddling his lap, and his hands dangerously caressed her back, slowly coming down to her behind.

"Please, don't stop," Anna mumbled as they pulled away, but he kept kissing her neck. His paper hat had already been tossed onto the floor. John turned to look at her, and his breathing was hard too. "Let's not stop."

He gave her a quick kiss, and she was already hoping for more. He nodded, more to himself than for her, she thought. Their eyes locked. "Not until you ask me to."

"I won't," she gave him a smile and another kiss. "Let's go upstairs."

They stood a little nervously together, hands laced as they walked around the cottage. She guided him up the stairs, and when he tugged at her hand and she turned around to look him (praying that he hadn't changed his mind), he kissed her. Her being one stair above him got them on the same eye level, something she wasn't so used to anymore, and she had giggled into the kiss, enjoying the feeling more than ever. He was smiling too, and that filled her heart with joy.

Once inside the bedroom, their movements became hurried. Kisses and touches soon managed to disregard her dress and his shirt, and when they finally reached the bed, they were both only in their underwear. His kisses sent her on fire - it was as if her body was waking up for the first time since he had left. John kissed her as if his life depended on it, touched as if she might disappear in the next moment. Things were different - he was thinner, he had scars. He was as beautiful as before, she was sure of it. Changes might have happened but some things never did change.

Anna was sure that ideally both of them wanted it to be a slow exploration, learning of each other's bodies again. But there would be time for that later. Today, they both wanted to feel and move as soon as possible. They had all the time in the world, but today they felt as if their world might be shattered in the next second. In a way, it was as if they had never truly parted.

He changed positions - she thought his leg might have been bothering him - and she took advantage of that to take off his underwear. There was no time for teasing - she needed him, and she was quite sure he needed her too.

They moved together with the practice of old lovers; it was as if she was coming home again. Everything was so natural and so simple and so raw that if it wasn't for the occasional words of "I missed you" it was as if they did this every day. He held her in place, moving underneath her, kissing her lips until they were left tingling. He touched where she wanted to be touched. And then she was losing herself - falling again and again, his hard, hot body under her being the only pillar of strength. He followed her soon afterwards and she stayed on top of him for a little bit, their physical connection lost but their minds serene.

Just a few minutes later, while they were still catching their breath, limbs tangled and tingling, cheeks rosy and lips swollen, she giggled.

His hands ran along her spine and she shivered slightly.

"What's so funny?" he was laughing too, but she could detect uncertainty in his voice.

Anna managed to raise her head to look at him. "I'm happy," she touched her nose against his, eyes roaming over his face, looking for any signs of regret or distress. She found none. "Aren't you?"

"Yes," he caught her lips in a quick kiss. "Sorry it was quick."

Anna giggled again. "Don't be. We have time for slow later," she settled her head beside his once more, knees still straddling his hips. They would need to move soon. The sweat was tickling their skins and she felt sticky but - it was a marvellous feeling, to be this close to him again. "We needed quick."

They stayed like that for a few minutes still - talking about mindless topics between kisses, and that never changed - they had always had lovely conversations after lovemaking, and it was when she felt the closest to him. In that moment, she never wanted it to end.

But it had to, nevertheless. When she pulled away and saw the mess that her bedroom floor was in and she thought about the dishes they still had to wash and how she needed a shower very, very soon, she was disheartened.

But as if this Christmas couldn't get any better, John suggested a joint shower, and the dishes were left for the next day. She would indulge him this once, so long as they never parted, and they didn't.

It was certainly a memorable Christmas.

* * *

 _Next (and final) chapter: John goes back to work, and Anna has some important matters to discuss with him._


	5. Another World

_A/N: Took me a long time, but here it is! This chapter did not want to be written. The end of DA sort of changed things and I'm really not sure how much more I'll write, but I'll definitely try! Meanwhile, I hope you'll enjoy the ending of this little journey. Let me know your thoughts!_

* * *

 _Chapter 5: Another World_

 _Present_ _Day_

The New Year brought changes, though they were all welcome. It was almost as if John and Anna had returned to the way they were before; a night was rarely spent without the other, not one day passed that they didn't talk or meet for lunch or dinner. It was all too easy to slip back into the normal and ordinary life they led before, talking of silly, simple things that happened during their days.

Tomorrow he would start working again. Anna had invited him to dinner, but the snow outside made them decide against going out. They ordered pizza and he had initially thought about going home earlier - prepare properly for tomorrow, make sure he wouldn't forget anything. But the evening soon found them in bed together, the sweat on their bodies mingling and their gasps turning louder. It would be very hard to go back to the flat now, he knew that - it was almost odd to still have his own place when he spent most of his time at hers. But it was too soon to do anything else.

The bathroom door opened with a click and Anna appeared, freshly clean now, and very much naked. John was resting his head on his arm, on a pillow, and the comforter wasn't doing much to hide his modesty. Anna threw a soft, well-worn white shirt on - it had been a favourite of his, years ago, and now it was a favourite of hers to sleep in. She looked amazing like this - her face masked in the afterglow of lovemaking, eyes full of life, the shirt covering her very fine behind but still making her legs look amazing.

She laughed as she joined him in bed. "I'm quite good at looking seductive, aren't I?"

John merely chuckled as she scooted closer to him, sharing his pillow. He turned his body towards her, lying on his side. "I'd say you are. You look sexy in anything," he gave her a kiss. "Well, anything and nothing."

Anna giggled. The shirt she was wearing shifted and he settled his hands against the warm skin of her lower back. "Well, nothing suits you too," she noted his state of undress. Her hands lovingly ran through his hair. She kissed him again, very softly. "You've been quiet today."

John smiles. "I am quiet."

But Anna shakes her head. "Not lately. Not with me," the only light in the bedroom came from Anna's bedside lamp, and it made her eyes look even brighter than usual. "Are you worried about tomorrow?"

John exhales slowly. "Not particularly. Just," he started, a little unsure of what to say, "it'll be weird, going back. Working. Lately, it's as if… _Almost_ as if I've never left. And I know that's a good thing but… It's odd."

Anna nodded, but gave him a small smile. "That's called moving on, you know," she teased, but turned serious the next moment. "I do understand. You feel like you're forgetting what you went through. But you never truly do. Life moves on and you move with it, but you don't forget."

"Yes," he agreed, squeezing her waist.

She took a deep breath, then looked at him again. "I bought a little plush monkey, you know."

John arched his eyebrows, taken aback by the revelation. But Anna was smiling. "Really?"

She let out a laugh. "Really. I had just found out, about the pregnancy. And I was walking down the street and saw this shop and the little monkey was by the window- I don't know, I just had to buy it. Baby's first toy. I carried it with me, in my bag, I'm not sure why. I just did."

"It was a reminder," he said.

Her eyes lit up in recognition. "Yes, exactly. No one knew I had it, but it was there. Even after it happened, I'd change bags and keep it inside. It's very cute," she reasoned, her hands playing with his chest hair. "And anyway, I bought a new bag a few weeks ago, and I had to change again, and this time I looked at the little monkey and realised that I had sort of forgotten about it. It made me feel guilty."

"You're not," John said, bringing his hand up to stroke her cheek.

Anna nodded immediately. "Yes, I know. I just realised that, for the first time, I hadn't thought about it for a few days. The monkey and what it represented. I took it out of the bag and it's now in the guest bedroom, looking very much out of place, if I'm honest," they shared a quick laugh. "It's not forgotten. It's there. I just don't have to carry it with me all the time."

She let out a little sigh, and he could tell she was doing her best to be strong. His heart swelled with love.

"I named him Bob," she said after a moment, laughing. "It almost feels like a dream. That I bought it."

John smiled. It made perfect sense, of course. He had always admired Anna's strength and the way she carried through life - when they met, it was something that they had in common - they led quiet lives, a little lonely sometimes, with very few living relatives. But while he had been more quiet, pensive, and sometimes negative, Anna could always see the good in almost every situation. She was vivacious and joyful, and whenever he was with her he felt alive. He was happy - so, so happy - that she was slowly but surely getting back to her old self.

"Why are you smiling?" she asked, with a smile herself.

"I love you," he said simply. "Have I said that today?"

"Mmm, you might have said it, just a little while ago," her eyes were twinkling. "But I couldn't hear you properly. You've always been quite good with your hands."

He felt his face warm up. "Well, I'm glad."

Anna giggled. "So am I."

He couldn't help but groan, pulling her closer. "You naughty girl."

He stopped her giggling with a kiss.

* * *

It was odd, going back to work. John felt uneasy - he hadn't practiced medicine since Africa. He was a pediatric Doctor, but for now his work would be in the clinic, taking care of mild cases that weren't any emergencies. It suited him.

He used to have an office, being the head of the pediatric department, but after a year away, he wouldn't get it back for a while. He did smile upon checking his old stuff, now stored in the locker room with the other doctors. A small plush bear he usually carried in his white coat pocket, a good alternative to distract the children. Pens and pencils, a few books, and a picture of Anna. He decided to put it in his pocket too, just to give him some luck - not that he believed in it. If his demeanor was responsible and efficient, he would get his old job properly back in a few weeks. But it was one step at a time, now. Slowly, steady.

The morning was spent without a crisis; one patient had to be transferred to another unit and most of the others were simple conditions - colds, headaches. One baby had a small toy stuck in his nostril. This wasn't what he was used to see, not anymore. But the similarities were there. Simple and few, but they were there. He tried not to think of the kind of illness and health issues he treated and cared for when he was away, but it was hard not to do the comparison.

He received a text from Anna just as he arrived at the cafeteria, intending to grab a sandwich for a quick lunch, and that alone soothed him. He loved that she was supportive of him, but he also knew that she was nervous about him coming back as well. He replied to the text right away - assuring her everything was going well, and that maybe she wanted to go out to dinner to celebrate him being back on the job? He had a feeling he knew what her answer would be, and he couldn't help but smile.

Joseph caught him in the queue for lunch, which wasn't very long at all, and insisted they sit together. They had always got on well, he and Joseph, and John was happy to see his friend in good spirits - he suspected Dr Baxter had a lot to do with that, as she joined their table not long after they were settled.

But duty called, and lunch hour was never a long one at all. Joseph had to leave as soon as his pager went off, but not before inviting John and Anna for dinner at the new place he and Phyllis had recently moved into. If he were honest, John was never one for parties and reunions, but he knew Anna would be happy if he socialised more. So he promised he would speak to Anna.

But he had never been personally close to Phyllis, and the two of them spent the next seconds in silence, eating their sandwiches. Every so often, a doctor would pat John's back and welcome him once more. It was getting a little annoying, but he did his best to smile.

"I feel like I should thank you," John said after a moment's consideration. Phyllis looked surprised at his words. "For what you did for Anna, while I was away."

She shook her head. "I was only doing my job. I'm just sorry it didn't work out as planned."

John nodded thoughtfully. "You couldn't have predicted it."

"Very true," she acquiesced, then gave him a smile. "I'm sure it'll work out well the next time."

He smiled. "I hope so. How- Just how bad was it?" he felt the need to ask. Anna hadn't been able to give him the details, not the details he wanted to hear, anyway.

Phyllis took a deep breath. "Her cervix is weak. She was in her first trimester, so it could have been worse. You know that once you get past the first trimester, chances get better." He nodded. "She's healthy. In the future, she'll have to be on bed rest during the first few weeks."

"And have a cerclage done," he finished the analysis for her.

Phyllis nodded. "Yes, probably. We'd have to watch her closely. But there's no reason why it wouldn't work. She takes good care of herself."

John nodded. "That she does."

He left the cafeteria with the promise to ring Joseph whenever he and Anna were free to set a date, and with hope in his heart that they would have a chance at this again.

But there was still a lot to deal with, before any of that came to question.

* * *

Anna was in the middle of a rather interesting paragraph in the book when she noticed John stirring beside her. She was surprised when she looked at him - the temperature was nice and pleasant inside the bedroom, but he was sweating. As engrossed as she had been in the book, she had failed to notice it. His breathing got laboured - a nightmare, definitely. He had had a busy week at work - she knew how hard he was trying to get his old position back, and that it wasn't always easy. And he was still adjusting to the odd shifts that he had been making lately, after being assigned to the ER a few weeks ago. It was no wonder that he fell asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

She put the book aside and touched his shoulder softly. He didn't seem to notice it.

"John," she called, shaking him ever so slightly. His breathing was still hard, and his face was contorted. "John, wake up!"

At this, his eyes opened. It took him a few seconds to focus on her - and she saw the despair, the pain in his eyes. She touched his cheek.

"Hey," Anna smiled, "you were having a nightmare."

John let out a deep, slow breath, one of his hands rubbing his eyes rather furiously. "Yeah. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. It's not that late. I was still reading," she told him, taking her glasses off. His eyes looked tired. She lay down to his level. "Do you want to talk about it?"

But he shook his head. "No, it's… It's fuzzy. I'm glad it's over," he revealed, watching as she got comfortable next to him. "It's odd. I usually sleep better when I'm here."

She raised a hand to touch his hair, hoping to comfort him in any way. It was soft beneath her fingers. "Do you still have them often?"

John nodded. "Not every night, but… often enough, when I'm on my own. They come and go," he gave her a smile. "I've had worse."

That didn't do much to make Anna feel better. "What does Dr Coleman say?"

"That it's normal," he explained. "Not every night, but it's normal."

"It should be better by now, surely," Anna frowned, and his lack of response confirmed it. "I hate the thought of you enduring it every night."

"Not every night," he corrected her. "It's the first time it happened here."

Anna took a deep breath, deep in thought. "There's that, of course," she looked at him tentatively. "Maybe… Maybe you should move in here. Permanently," John seemed perplexed by her suggestion. "I mean… It was our plan, anyway. Originally. And you still haven't picked up all the boxes."

He did chuckle, which was a good sign. "Very true. But we had a lot of plans."

She nodded. "We did. And maybe it's time to start planning again. Not necessarily the same things, but… Well, you know."

He was still silent. Perhaps it was a little early for that. They had both gone through a lot, and they both had so much to deal with - they still had so much to discuss, so much to talk about. But she knew she wanted him in her future, no matter what, and she also knew he felt the same. John's place hardly felt like home, with little furniture and too many boxes, and they would usually spend their time together at her place anyway.

"We don't see each other enough as it is," she told him, trying to find a proper reason. "And you're always around. Byron has started to forgive you, even."

John laughed. "That cheeky dog."

Anna smiled, but continued. "And if you sleep better when you're with me, then maybe you should always be with me."

"I can't argue with that," he did say, and Anna filled her heart with hope. He gave her a tired, but bright smile. "Okay. Let's move in together."

Anna let out a tiny shriek, unable to contain herself. John was still laughing when she kissed him. "Soon?"

"I can ask Robert to give me a hand with the boxes," he told her. "Maybe by next weekend we'll be all set."

"That's great," she snuggled against him. "I think this will be a good thing, for us."

John's voice was wistful. "I hope so."

She knew it would be. One step at a time - it was working so far. And it wouldn't be like before, of course, but it made the future look more promising, and it gave her heart hope.

They were making this work, and that was all that mattered.

* * *

She had been quiet since the day before, which was unusual. But John had brushed it off then; he had come from a rather long day at the hospital on Saturday, and he wanted nothing more than to climb into bed and sleep until morning. Anna had stayed downstairs after dinner, wanting to finish a movie he had tried - and failed - to watch, as tired as he was. He vaguely remembered her joining him in bed half an hour later, and they didn't talk until morning.

But even then, her words were few and short. She didn't seem mad at him - she smiled and talked but didn't really actively speak to him. Robert had called and invited them over for dinner, but Anna turned it down, simply saying she'd rather have a quiet night in today. John didn't question it, but that alone was unusual.

His move to the cottage was almost completely done, and he wanted to have a lazy day, mostly - do some reading, relax, maybe do some research. The weather was getting much better, and today the sky was cloudy but it wasn't very chilly. Anna told him she'd take Byron out for a walk, and when John said he'd accompany them, she brushed him off lightly - he was only a little hurt by it. But if she wanted some time alone, he'd give it to her.

He was getting worried that she was taking too long when he checked the clock and noticed she had been gone for a little over an hour, and just when he was about to call her, he heard the front door open from his place in the kitchen. Anna appeared seconds later, cheeks looking a little rosy. He looked up from his laptop and gave her a smile, which she returned.

"Where's Byron?" he asked as she drank some water.

It only took her a moment to reply. "Outside, chasing after some poor birds."

John chuckled. "Suits him. Did you have a nice walk?"

"We did, yes," Anna replied, turning her back to him. She did not elaborate, but he knew there was more to it than that. She spent the next few minutes preparing herself some tea, which John thought she was paying a lot of attention to, considering the water was all ready since he had just made himself a cup.

Despite all the trepidation from her, apparently, she sat right across from him on the little kitchen table. He had been reading a rather interesting article, but his attention was clearly compromised now - he didn't even remember what the article was about. Anna seemed nervous, almost. But she didn't go upstairs, or to the living room, so she wanted something from him. Perhaps she didn't want them to live together anymore, or worse - perhaps she had finally come to her senses that they should separate, that they shouldn't have got back together. A hundred possibilities crossed his mind, each worse than the previous one, and when she calmly sipped her tea, he couldn't take it anymore. He closed his laptop and put it aside.

"What's wrong?" he asked a little anxiously, lacing his fingers together on top of the table. Anna looked surprised. "There _is_ something wrong, since yesterday. Please don't tell me otherwise."

At last, she nodded, and he braced himself for what was to come.

"I'm sorry," Anna said. "I know I've been distant since yesterday. It's just that…"

Her hands fidgeted nervously against the warm cup of tea, a habit she had whenever she was afraid or anxious or sad. He had seen enough of it to know it for what it truly was. But he waited patiently to hear her.

"It's been one year," she revealed, her eyes pleading - dry, but full of emotion. She didn't have to explain for him to know what she was talking about. She had been going to therapy with him, occasionally. Things were getting better but there was still so much for them to talk about. "A year ago, I left the hospital and it just… I don't like thinking of the past sometimes. Of certain things," she explained. "But this weekend, it's all I can think about. I left the hospital one year ago and I came home thinking I'd never be a mother again. Not that I- Not that I ever was one."

"But you were," John told her softly. Her eyes faltered just a bit. "You know you were."

He reached for one of her hands, and the warmth in them was comforting.

"I couldn't stay home that evening, even though I needed to rest," Anna said. "I went to the beach with Byron, and I sat there, just watching the waves and the sky. I thought about calling you, but what good would it have done?" she shook her head. "It's just odd to think of how things were then and how they are now. I try not to think of how things could have been, but it's just- it's hard."

John nodded. He had promised her, much more than just a couple of times, that he wouldn't dwell on this issue, but he knew better than that. If he had been around, he could have seen the signs. He would have been home with her when it happened. Even if he couldn't have prevented it, he could have been her strength, the one thing she needed then. But he wasn't, and she had to go through it alone, pretending to be strong in front of others, even when it was killing her. He would always try to make it up to her, even though he thought nothing ever would.

"I think of that too," John revealed, exhaling a long breath. Anna looked surprised at this. "It's natural, even if it's not healthy. The baby would have been around five months old now. I did the math."

A small smile crossed Anna's face, and she squeezed his hand.

"Yeah," she nodded, tears welling up her eyes, but not in an entirely bad way. It was something they should talk about. "My due date was around October. Around the time you arrived, actually."

John smiled. "I'd have been just in time."

Anna smiled, something between a chuckle and a sob leaving her lips. She wiped the skin under her eye quickly. "Yeah, that's what I thought. The timing would have been perfect."

He leaned back on his chair, and Anna left hers, no words necessary. She crossed the small space of the kitchen and sat on his lap, her weight settling nicely against him as they embraced. He hadn't been here last year, but he was here now, and he hoped he would be for the rest of his life.

"Thank you, for not pushing me," she mumbled against his neck. "I needed some time today."

"That's quite all right," he said, and she pulled away from him, eyes shining with unshed tears that were controlled now. Her fingertips traced his jaw slowly, and he knew her mind was from here, far from now. She seemed to hesitate. He gave her an encouraging smile. "What is it?"

She blinked once, twice, trying to make up her mind about something.

"Do you want- Do you still want us to have children?" she blurted out at last.

A simple question, one that he should have expected - something they probably should have talked about before. In the past, his answer would have been just as simple. Now, it wasn't like that. The world wasn't black and white anymore. It was complicated and scary, even. But he knew he had to be honest with her, and think of her too. Anna was born to be a mother - she loved children, she was great with children. They lived in a nice, family friendly neighbourhood. Good schools nearby. Byron absolutely loved children. They didn't have a lifestyle that would be too complicated to live with if they had children. Anna had the shop and that would give her freedom to be with their child whenever she wanted. He had a good income as a doctor - and if things kept going better, that wouldn't be an issue in the future.

But it still took him a moment to reply.

"I won't deny you that I have doubts," he started. "I worry. I worry that I don't have what it takes to be a father. That what I saw happening to other children would drive me crazy," Anna looked disheartened. His index finger touched her chin softly, and her eyes met his. "But whenever I look at you, I'm reminded of the life that we should always have. Of all the happiness we can still have. All the love you can give to a child - and that I can be a part of that. And I do want that."

"Do you mean it?" Anna asked. "Truly?"

John smiled. "Yes, truly. I promised you once, remember?" he asked, and Anna immediately laughed. "At least three. Maybe four."

"Four! Oh my," Anna exclaimed, a glint of hope in her eyes again. "We need to start working soon if we want four."

John shrugged, joking. "We could always have twins. You never know."

Anna giggled. "Actually, I think we still have plenty of time for that later."

He laughed then, and they spent the rest of the day together, laughing, talking and spending time together. He even watched Anna's favourite period drama with her that evening, and for the first time in months, Byron sat by John's feet on the floor, enjoying a belly rub every now and then. But when they went to bed later, Anna's gentle snores letting him know that she would indeed have a restful night, he couldn't help but think that perhaps they shouldn't think too much about time anymore. They used to think they would have all the time in the world when he got back, but he still wasted months alone when they could have been happy together.

Perhaps they should stop giving everything some time. And with that, he made a decision.

* * *

The decision was made quickly and it had been so easy that it frightened him a little. They were in a vulnerable, but strong relationship. Short but at the same time very long. Perhaps it was too soon, but perhaps it had taken them too long already. He couldn't know, and if he were honest with himself, it didn't matter. Not in the long run - it wouldn't matter if it happened this week or next year. It would have happened the year before, after all. He knew it was his decision to make. She had made it sure it was his move when she returned the ring to him, weeks ago. She had simply said he should have it again, and tell her when it should be hers for good. And it was there, safely hidden behind his books. But he still thought of it often.

The first time John proposed, they had different plans. They wanted a white wedding. Anna wanted light pink roses like the one he gave her on their first date. All their friends and family around. Her sister would be her bridesmaid. They would be married around Christmas, after he returned. It wouldn't be a big wedding by any means, but a celebration nonetheless. That Christmas had come and gone, and they still had so much to deal with - he knew it wasn't what Anna wanted then, or in the weeks afterwards. But by the end of March, he was all set. And unbeknownst to Anna, she gave him all the details he needed to know.

"You wouldn't believe how much we would have spent," she told him one evening when they were preparing dinner. "There's the place, and the photographer, invitations, photo sessions. The flowers! You wouldn't believe how much Mary is spending on flowers."

John laughed. Anna was positively engrossed in the issue as she chopped the tomatoes. "At least that wouldn't have been huge problem for us. And you love flowers."

"Yes, but it all seems so… Exaggerated," she continued. "Decorations are insanely expensive as well, and the food- I don't even like the food Mary has chosen. I'd have preferred something simpler. I don't know."

"Well, when we were planning stuff," he told her dismissively, "we never wanted something as big as the wedding Mary and Matthew are having."

Anna nodded. "Yes, that's true. But you know what?" He looked at her questioningly. She seemed distracted as she put the now chopped tomatoes onto a bowl. "Nowadays, I wouldn't have any of that. I'd rather have something with just us. Because that's all that matters. And then we would go away for a few days and come back and still have the money to redecorate our spare bedrooms."

She said all of that very matter of factly, and John couldn't help but smile at her practical nature, her determination. He had never cared for a big ceremony, that was never what mattered. And he was glad that Anna agreed.

"Why are you smiling?" she asked once she met his eye.

"You are beautiful when you get so worked up about something," he said, and she broke into a grin herself as she leaned over to wash her hands.

"And you are very cheeky," she said, turning around and playfully smacking his bottom. "Come on, stop staring and get to work."

The first time he proposed, it hadn't been thought out at all - what mattered was what would happen afterwards. It had been intimate and romantic, but not elaborated at all. This time, he would make things a little different. This time, it would be for real.

* * *

It was with great surprise that Anna saw none other than Joseph Molesley entering the shop one rather quiet Saturday morning. He appeared a little flustered at first, but he smiled when he saw her and Anna considered both him and Phyllis good friends by now; John's therapist had encouraged more social interaction and both couples met regularly and usually had a great time.

"What a surprise to see you here, Joe!" Anna greeted him enthusiastically, and Daisy merely acknowledged that she wouldn't be needed for this client in particular.

"Always good to see you, Anna," he replied rather nervously, but moved to hug her. "Our schedules have been so odd, we haven't been able to meet in a while. But of course we see John regularly."

"Of course. We'll have to make a date out of something soon," she smiled. "What can I do for you?"

"Yes, right… That is, I'd like some roses," Joseph said quickly. "Like, ah, that one."

He pointed at the light pink roses by the shop window. Anna nodded, a little surprised that he chose so quickly. "Okay. How many of them?"

"Fifteen," Joseph said resolutely, and the specific number only served to surprise Anna a little more.

Her eyebrows arched, but she only nodded. "Right. Daisy?"

The young woman nodded and hurried to get the flowers. Anna smiled. "Phyllis will be pleased."

Joseph's eyes widened for a moment but he recovered quickly. "Yes, I hope so."

Joseph seemed even more nervous as the flowers arrived and Anna asked him if he'd like them delivered or if he would take them himself. He had always been a quiet, kind man, and then Anna could see that he would look flustered for buying flowers for his wife - girlfriend, or partner, or whatever it was that he and Phyllis were. Anna didn't mind labels - she supposed she and John shared the lack of them with the couple as well. Indeed, what surprised her further was when, just as the bouquets were ready and she inquired if he would want anything else, he bought a single yellow rose - apparently surprising even himself. Anna shared a laugh with Daisy afterwards, wondering what kind of grand love gesture would include fifteen pink roses and a yellow one.

Joseph Molesley was indeed a peculiar man.

* * *

Anna got home hours later, carrying two rather heavy grocery bags, and juggling the keys rather precariously between two fingers. Byron greeted her almost immediately, very enthusiastically indeed, and she smiled.

"Just a second, boy," Anna said as she carried the bags into the hallway, and then into the kitchen. John was nowhere in sight, but his car was in the garage so he had to be home. She decided to try to find out where he was; he had told her his shift would go on until later, but perhaps he managed to switch with someone. "John? I'm home!"

The table was already set for two, and it smelled amazing - something in the oven. Anna bit her lip excitedly when her eyes saw the candles on the table. It was simple, but lovely. And she loved surprises.

"Upstairs," she heard John's voice just as she put the bags on the counter.

She smiled at Byron, reaching down to pet him. "Looks like today is special. I hope I haven't forgotten any important occasion."

The dog merely barked happily. It had never happened before, but John was usually better at these things than her. He could remember almost everything, and though Anna never forgot, sometimes the dates crept up on her quicker than she imagined. Deciding that indeed they didn't really have any important occasion to celebrate in the fourth week of March, she went on to see just what John was planning. A giggle escaped her when she reached the stairs.

The roses Joseph had bought this afternoon.

They were placed rather randomly on the stairs, and Anna couldn't help but feel amused as she walked and picked them up, rather carefully. She was quite sure they had no celebration in March. Their first kiss was in April, and further business was in June. They moved in together not quite two months ago, and in the past they had got engaged in January - hardly something to commemorate these days, really, as it didn't really count. By the time Anna reached upstairs, she had convinced herself that John was probably in a romantic mood, and she certainly wouldn't complain.

The roses were adding up in her hands as she followed the path into their bedroom, and indeed found John standing close to the door, holding one more rose in his hands. Anna giggled as he offered it to her, rather sheepishly. He looked like he had just taken a shower, and his clothes were casual. The smile on his face made her heart skip a beat.

"Thank you," Anna managed to say as she took the last rose. "What are you up to?"

"Just because you own a flower shop it doesn't mean that you shouldn't receive flowers," John said softly. "I gave you one of these on our first date. You told me they meant love at first sight."

"That's right," she recalled their first meeting, looking down at the roses. She looked at him curiously. "But those were thornless. That's why they meant that. These roses have thorns."

"I did think of that," he said quickly. "I've decided that these only mean love, then."

They both laughed. Anna shook her head. "Well, I won't argue with your logic," she acquiesced, and he smiled, but didn't say anything else. "Why fifteen?"

"For every month since I left England last year," John explained, turning serious suddenly. He took a step closer to her and took her free hand. "There hasn't been a day gone by since we met that I didn't think of you. Especially after I left. And I thank you for accepting me back - thorns, and all."

She rolled her eyes good-naturedly at the euphemism, but she said nothing, noticing he still had to continue.

"I did this once before, but it wasn't well planned," he started, and his words confused her. "It didn't work out very well, either. So I'll try it differently now."

He lowered down to one knee, quite suddenly. Anna's hold on the flowers slackened a little and two fell down. She had heard that question before, had seen the ring before, yet it all felt so very new and foreign. It felt scary, and surprising and unexpected. It felt _right_. Even more so than before.

Her answer was exactly the same.

* * *

 _Five_ _years_ _later_

It was early on Saturday when they reached the beach. Normally they would go a little later, but it was sunny and they had woken up quite early. Anna wouldn't go to the shop today, not unless she was needed, and it seemed like a waste to spend the morning at home when it seemed like winter was truly over now.

Byron was in his element. Due to the early hour, the beach was still quite empty, and they found a nice spot to sit while overlooking the sea. John kept a watchful eye as little Theo pursued the dog, not looking tired at all, his day barely just starting. They weren't far from them, but it was best to be sure they wouldn't go too close to the sea, just in case. It was a little windy, but they were used to the salty sea air and the sound of the waves. John chanced a look at Anna.

Her hair seemed even more golden now, out in the sun, and she looked tired. He was sure he wasn't much different. Theo had been born almost four years ago, and he had been the perfect little baby - quiet and happy and content. Not that Poppy wasn't happy - indeed, the little giggles she gave them were the most precious sounds in the world - but she was more fussy, more alert, more curious. And still prone to waking up in the middle of the night for a feed, a change, or, on some occasions, simple entertainment - which wasn't quite easy to master when the clock was hitting 4 in the morning and one had to be in the hospital at 7. But then he supposed it was only natural that she would be like this - she was only six months old, after all.

Anna held Poppy close as the baby girl slept peacefully - for now - and she pressed a kiss on the baby's golden curls. She and Theo were quite alike, even if they already showed such different personalities at such young age. They both took after Anna in many ways - from the hair to their bright blue eyes - but they also featured mixed traits from him too. Anna would say the mix was perfect no matter what - and he would agree.

Byron barked and Theo was holding a small shell in his hand. Anna let out a sigh.

"He's growing up so fast," she said softly, her tone wistful.

It was true. Their little boy had been such a precious gift - one they had almost lost hope for. They were married quietly, just the two of them, in an office, barely a few weeks after John proposed the second time. And Anna became pregnant soon afterwards, but unfortunately it didn't work out. Not even with proper medical supervision - it happened again just a few weeks later and when Anna became pregnant for the third time they were both quite nervous - almost afraid to share the news with anyone, afraid of thinking of the future with the baby they dreamed of for so long.

But the pregnancy progressed healthily, and Anna's procedure worked out just fine. She had had an easy pregnancy - not much sickness at all, but of course she grew uncomfortable towards the end. When the anxiety towards the viability of the pregnancy was over, however, another kind of the nervousness overtook John; they would have a baby, a child together. And it was an amazing, but terrifying thought. He was worried the nightmares would become more frequent, that he would not be a good father, that he would hurt Anna and the baby.

But it gave him strength.

He managed to get his old position at the hospital back, and the baby taught him so much - he liked to remind the little chap that they were learning together. When Theo learned to crawl or walk or speak - John felt as if the broken pieces inside him came back into their rightful places. Whenever the baby smiled, it was as if he had done something right after all. Whenever he saw Anna being the mother she was always meant to be, John knew they were on the right path. Theo was the best part of him - the best part of them.

And Poppy was no different, despite how feisty and incredibly adorable she was. Anna was always saying how the children would grow spoiled if he kept up with his work as a parent, but in truth they were quite similar as parents. With Poppy things had been calmer - Anna fell pregnant soon after they decided to give parenthood a new chance, and it only took a simple procedure for the pregnancy to go along just fine. Theo was kind and sweet to his baby sister, though both John and Anna wondered how long that would last, as little Poppy was beginning to want her brother's toys and she was always following him around with her little eyes. Things would indeed change once she would start crawling.

"They both are," John said after a minute. Theo started to run towards them. "They're still very little though."

"Daddy, look what I found!" Theo yelled excitedly. Poppy stirred in Anna's arms. The little boy waved a rather big shell in his tiny hand. "For Poppy."

"That's very nice of you, my darling," Anna said with an encouraging smile. "She'll love it, I'm sure."

"We can come back soon one day so she can find 'em with me, right?" Theo asked them, a hopeful look in his eyes. "When she grows up."

John smiled. "Of course. Maybe we can bring you both in the summer to enjoy the sea. Poppy will be bigger then."

"Will she talk and run?" the little boy asked again. No one was more excited to see Poppy bigger than her big brother. John had a feeling he had been disappointed to find out she couldn't very well play with him at such an early age.

John laughed. "Maybe. We'll have to wait and see."

"And then she won't cry anymore?" Theo asked again, obviously eager to go through this phase.

Anna let out a chuckle. "Don't worry about that, baby. She'll be able to enjoy a day filled with playing with you."

This seemed to do it for Theo, who announced he still had to find more treasure with Byron - referring to the shells, of course. Poppy seemed quite content now, and John watched as Anna put her in her pram - the baby girl barely moved. She took after Anna with her sleepy ways. Bob the little plush monkey was there too - slightly battered from being played around by two growing children. An almost forgotten reminder of a time filled with uncertainties.

John slipped an arm around Anna's shoulders and she snuggled close to him as they watched their little boy run around the beach, talking to Byron and occasionally calling his parents to show something. Anna sighed again. John smiled.

"You don't know what today is, do you?" he asked at last.

Anna pulled away to look at him. "Oh, no. What have I forgotten?" she looked quite panicked for a moment. "Elise only visits next weekend, right?"

John chuckled. "Yeah. I mean, this is an anniversary of sorts."

"We have so many of those. We should choose just one official thing," she said quickly, and John could see that she was trying to remember. "You proposed today. For the second time, five years ago. Right?"

He nodded. "Very good."

Anna frowned. "We just celebrated us getting back together in December," she sighed. "However will we celebrate this?"

"I say we should watch _Bob_ _the_ _Builder_ and play with some blocks," John suggested.

Anna nodded. "Right, yes. I'll ask Elise to babysit for us when she's around so we can have a date night of sorts," she winked at him. "We'll always have tonight, anyway. Once the children are asleep."

"If the little lady doesn't decide she wants attention, you mean," John said, nodding towards the now asleep Poppy.

"You'll find that the little lady's mummy might want some attention too," his wife added suggestively and they shared an amused, but promising smile.

Things changed and changed fast, before he could really adjust to them. But they had a lot to celebrate - now, John could barely remember the lonely man who had come back from Africa. As he watched little Theo laughing on the beach, Anna fussing over Poppy once the baby girl let out a somewhat loud whimper in her sleep, he couldn't remember when he had felt so complete and happy. The world had changed for him, so completely, so many times before.

He was here, well and happy, and his family was with him, and that alone was enough to celebrate.


End file.
